IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m 35 years old and I havenÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t had sex in a year. ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a big deal to me for one simple reason: I sleep next to a man every night. He isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t a relative nor a platonic friend. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s my husband. I love him.
We have two wonderful children together. We enjoy the same hobbies, circle of friends and have relatively successful careers. ThereÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s only one thing that weÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re lacking… passion.
While growing up, I fantasised about what my life would be like as a married woman. I wanted to be the wife who kept it Ã¢â‚¬Å“right and tight.Ã¢â‚¬Â Most important, I knew I needed a partner who was my friend… with benefits. The major perk being that we enjoyed being intimate with each other. My husband and I had that for a long time, but over the years, it has dwindled.
Our passion didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t fade overnight. It was methodically seduced from us by things that seemed more practical and efficient, such as sleep, work and raising children. Pragmatic decision-making, exhaustion and poor time management were also collaborating culprits in the demise of our romantic coupledom. The result is cliche but true. I have a great friend and tremendous partner. Still, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m missing a lover.
For many months, I naively assumed our sex life would change. We talked about it, but in a very superficial way. WeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢d make jokes about the predicament and even tried scheduling time for Ã¢â‚¬Å“us.Ã¢â‚¬Â Nothing has worked. My feelings about the topic morphed as the weeks turned into months.
To be frank, initially, I was relieved to have the Ã¢â‚¬Å“breakÃ¢â‚¬Â from bumping and grinding. The hiatus gave me a welcomed reprieve from Ã¢â‚¬Å“having toÃ¢â‚¬Â perform my wifely duties. In addition, the same olÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ sex was starting to feel just that way, repetitive, unimaginative and stale. The thing is, I assumed my husband would use the timeout to regroup and come back stronger. ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s not what happened.
Unlike the movies, I never came home to rose petals all over the house. We never gave each other a look, then instantly fell into each otherÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s arms and made passionate love. I never popped out of the bedroom in a French maidÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s uniform and gave him a lap dance. We just continued living life.
We talked about our day, prepped our kids for the evening and went to bed… and to sleep. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢d put on my head tie. HeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢d give me his back. This was not my happily ever after.
Today, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m in counselling with my husband and fighting to save one of the most integral components of our relationship: intimacy. Neither of us was happy in a sexless relationship and the counsellor is helping us figure out the hows and whys of our complacency Ã¢â‚¬â€ neither one of us is cheating.
So far, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve had one major perspective adjustment. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s not up to my husband to woo me. We need to romance each other Ã¢â‚¬â€ and make it a priority. WeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve decided to start by going on date nights… and IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m optimistic. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m looking forward to creating our own Ã¢â‚¬Å“happily ever after.Ã¢â‚¬Â Ã¢â‚¬â€www.essence.com
For feedback, please write to us on email@example.com