If you allow Basket Mouth to stand in front of you, you need to be prepared for some rapid fire.
That is exactly what happened on Sunday night at the Bingu International Conference Centre (Bicc) auditorium in Lilongwe when the talented and ruthless funnyman tore the stage down.
It was a night of a thousand laughs creatively and hilariously packed in a 70 minute uncensored and painfully honest gig.
He was lord of the ribs, cracking the audience from the first minute he popped up on stage.
“I am glad Nigeria is not the only place we have this,” he joked referring to the power outage that greeted him on the big rostrum.
“Blackouts are the signature of Africa, they keep us together,” he added as he further sent the audience into stitches.
From his country, rest of Africa, love, sex, women and beauty to gay issues, the comedian came with his mouthful basket.
“Nigerians are like Indians, they bargain for everything. Instead of just giving offering you what they have, the go round and round. Stupid people,” he roared.
Still taking a swipe at his countrymen, he made one scathing joke: “Nigerians are fond of asking stupid questions. They see you and they say, Basket Mouth, so you are here? They see you eating and they go like, so you are eating? I one time answered someone that no, I am swimming”.
He then moved to one of the most sensitive issue amongst Africans; same sex marriages.
“You know I don’t understand why some African presidents lost their mind on the issue like the Cameroon president. That was brutal. Honestly, let people do what they want,” he joked about Paul Biya’s stance against homosexuals.
In fists of uncontrollable laughter, he hit the last joke on the matter: “And you hand 14 years to a gay guy. Seriously? Is that a punishment? That’s honeymoon there.”
From there Basket Mouth opened another page of his Malawi set as he spoke about Africa, life, sex, women and relationships.
“Be worry of all of you who use thumbprints on your phone. What happens when you are asleep? 2:15 am you get a slap and a question what do you think you were doing. I sleep with my thumb in the mouth so that if my wife tries to use it to open the phone while I am fast asleep, I should know.
“And those men who use simple locking patterns or swipe, are not cheating. But those that use complicated patterns and the thumbprint at the same time, just know,” he cracked up the fans.
He said Malawi was subtly spared from his jokes until he first landed in Chileka.
Bursting with a giggle, he jested “I was going to say crap about your country when I first landed at the small airport [Chileka], I was like is this Malawi or some jungle? Is this what they call the capital city? I was relieved when I was told it’s not.
“But I like your big airport I have seen a lot, no jokes. I landed at an airport no names please, but there were no lights on the runway. The pilot had to make a call to the control room to land. Hello, you mean I have missed the runway? Oh ok sir, I am turning back. Oh, I have actually run out of airtime, please call me back.”
As the funny mood set in the air, Basket Mouth turned explicit for some.
“Not disrespecting anybody, but women have all the priorities wrong. I have never met a guy who is turned on with the expensive hair, the Brazilian or it is Africa? Whatever name it has. No man goes crazy with the hair, it has not happened and it will never happen, not on this earth. If you want us to look put your hair here [touching his torso] or here [pointing on the buttocks] and please, don’t put up a fake bum it’s annoying. That’s fraud, yes, fraud,” he jested.
He went more on the women: “Black women are not honest, a white lady will tell you before going on a date that you know dear, it’s that time of the month. But not a black woman, she drinks the wine, eats until she finishes everything. You get home and as you are about to, she goes like dear, it’s that time of the month…”
Earlier, South Africa-based Malawian standup comedian Mbeu ‘Snooze’ Kambuwa also showed his prowess on jesting and proved that winning the grab the mic competition in the rainbow nation was not a fluke.
“Malawi’s witchcraft is the best. I even tell people that Malawians send a lightening via Whatsapp and last seen will be last year,” joked Kambuwa.
He also drew parallels between South Africa and Malawi in a joke dubbed too much.
“Malawi likes keeping in simple, we have one international airport, while South Africa has got many. At one stage we had one plane, look at our one-laned roads, in South Africa it’s too much because they are five or six. Look at their president, he has six wives that’s too much because ours at least only needs one,” he sent the audience into handclapping and laughter. n