Are these my children?

Dear Biggie Man Wamkulu

Since we got married about 15 years ago, my wife and I have been devoted to each other.

However, I have serious doubts about the paternity of our four children. Except for the third-born, I share nothing in common with the other three.

While my wife and I are light-skinned, they are darker. I have brown eyes, theirs are black.

They have bigger feet and just to illustrate the point, my first born child puts on the same shoe size as me.

I am the quiet type (the only character I share with the thirdborn) but the others could talk you to death.

No one on both my father’s and mother’s sides ever talks in their sleep or sleepwalks, but these children are something else: they could start a quarrel while fast asleep. And young as they are, I can see signs that they will be bald-headed.

What irritates me most is that almost every time I try to discipline the children, my wife becomes so angry, because, she

says, when she was growing up, no-one raised a finger against her and she would want her children to be brought up the same way.

Biggie, I am confused and suspicious. I love the children and I love my wife. But suspicions gnaw at the back of my mind each time I look at them. Could I just be the putative dad for these children while the actual father is enjoying his parallel

life somewhere? Should I confront my wife or should I take the children for a DNA test to confirm paternity?

Mitocho, by email

My friend Mitocho, On another occasion, in another life, I may have been tempted to advise you to run and never look back.

But then, I ask myself, what would that mean for your wretched life?

You would still be miserable when you look back at how a woman made a complete idiot of you.

If you confront your wife, she will deny it.

After she denies it, she will accuse you of not loving her. After accusing you of not loving her enough, she will leave you and marry the ‘sniper; who has borne her all those children. I didn’t mean to say, but there you have it, dude.

As for the DNA, forget it. Spare yourself the embarrassment. Just stick around your family. If you are religious, take comfort that your wife will be answerable to the Creator in the afterlife and will be condemned to eternal damnation. If you are not too religious, take comfort that you are not the only man who is raising other people’s children. I know scores of them.

On second thoughts, they could be your children, alright. Trace your genealogy—and your wife’s—and somewhere along the way, you will  come across a great-great grandparent who was darker, a blabbermouth, a regular sleepwalker, had black eyes, large feet and the baldness the size of the Sahara Desert!

Proverb of the week: Chigololo ndi mwini th**o. Theme song for the week: Mlaka Maliro, Maloto