My fellow Malawians,
Big Man Wamkulu did not receive any letters from people seeking advice on romantic matters this week. Following last week’s incident in Ndirande, this is quite understandable as all the sex talk has shifted elsewhere.
But first, before we go into the matters of the day, BMW has a little confession to make—both the victim and the aggressor are BMW’s close friends and confidants, although BMW does not share in their violent and/or libidinous shenanigans.
So, you will excuse me for not dwelling on this issue—it is more in sympathy and respect for my dear colleagues than anything else.
That said, let’s get down to business.
I do not feel comfortable with the manner in which Malawians celebrate sexual tragedies. Not all at. BMW is livid.
If two consenting adults were caught red-handed in bed having sex by the lady’s husband, how is that any of our business? And, honestly, why should we celebrate?
How many of us have slept with other people’s wives or husbands, but have only survived humiliation because we have not been caught? And why should we act the saints now?
Of course, the realignment on my zinziri selling friend’s face by my other condom-selling merchant from Lilongwe was completely uncalled for and over the top. But look here folks, what these two men agreed or disagreed to do in the heat of the moment is none of our business.
All the three parties are over 18. The sex between the two parties was consensual. And the assault should be a police case. The breach of trust between the husband and wife is a matter for the ankhoswe. So, where do the rest of us come in?
The manner in which we Malawians ogle at tales of a sexual nature is really disturbing.
All week, this entire week, the talk has been about zinziri and the panel beater as if we don’t have anything else to do.
Sush! Malawians make me sick. Really.
There are thousands of our fellow citizens still reeling under the effects of last season’s floods. Our currency, the kwacha, continues to plummet amid uncertainty. And there are starving children in the villages whose lives we could change if we pooled our resources together.
If we have too much time on our hands, then let’s think of ways of building this beautiful nation.
If a stranger landed in Malawi today, they would think sex is all we do. Apart from eating and sleeping (the pun is intended).
I remember quite vividly, how some auditor made headlines when he was recently caught shagging a prostitute in his car at some elite hospital’s car park. And how, that same night, another man was caught outside an entertainment joint having a go with some lady.
And the priest who was caught rattling his holy car with a nun at the airport!
The way these issues exploded onto the social media and gave this nation small-talk fodder for two weeks is really cause for worry.
Sometimes we behave like a bunch of excited, sexually-starved teenagers in a seminary ogling over a copy of a Hustler Magazine (Don’t act dumb, I know you all know what Hustler Magazine is).
The long and short of it all is that sex is meant to be enjoyed by the whole lot of us. Sometimes, out of the desire for adrenaline, we have it with other people’s wives or husbands. And sometimes we get caught and beaten up. But should that be an issue?
Are we really not tired of sex?
Should we not be celebrating the remarkable achievements of hardworking and innovative Malawians than celebrating these sexual endeavours gone wrong?
If I enjoy having sex with a married woman, or I love it in my car with the occasional prostitute at a hotel or hospital car park, how is that anyone else’s business?
C’mon Malawi, let us find other things to celebrate!
Big Man Wamkulu is pleading.
Inspiration for the day: John 8: 7