Better than Liverpool at home, worse than Firminho away

Dear Biggie,

I have been married for a decade and a half. In that period, I have enjoyed a health sex life both at home and elsewhere. I must confess that for much of my married life, I have maintained a side chick. We have been discreet, so I am certain my wife doesn’t know about her.

What has prompted this e-mail is that my sex life has taken a hit lately. Unlike Liverpool Football Club, I am scoring phenomenal hat-tricks at home like Erling Haaland. On the road, however, I am stuttering in front of the goal much like Roberto Firminho. Biggie, the sad truth of the matter is that my flag can’t fly at full mast anymore away from home. What is a man’s worth if he cannot rise to the occasion when duty calls?

What has knotted my mind is the apparent inconsistency between my two situations. How can I bamboozle my wife at home like Lionel Messi yet fluff my lines like Sadio Mane when playing away?

I suspect it has something to do with my wife and Covid-19. Since the second wave of Covid-19, I have consumed all shades of herbs that one quark after another has prescribed. I suspect she slipped muti into the many concoctions I have taken, which has made me impotent on the road.

Biggie, I need your advice before I take a wrong turn. Do you think my wife did me in?

Worried Messi

 Dear Worried Messi

The good news is that your wife knows about your infidelity and has probably done so for a while. That she has let it slide all the while could be because of her good upbringing or, more likely, her patience.

The bad news is that she may have reached the end of her patience. That does not in any way suggest she slipped some muti into the concoctions (even though she might have), but you are probably wracked by guilt that you have been playing dirt behind her back or that you are wasting your side chicks time. Who knows, it could be some dude who digs your side chick who has cast the flabby spell on you. The possibilities are endless.

All jokes aside, however, even the great and the almighty come home to roost. After his substantive playing days were over, Wayne Rooney returned to his home team, Everton. That he went on to turn out for DC United and Derby United was just about forcing a career that had long fizzled out. Zokoma zonse anadya apumbwa a Man U. Closer home, Fischer Kondowe opted to spend his retirement in the solitude of his football home, Nyasa Big Bullets, after his sojourn in Joni. It is just the natural progression of a football career, of life itself even, to go back home. You are home and dry, son.

Even the almighty Liverpool of yesteryears have turned to the form we and they are used to. Their journey towards sate iyezi of nyekhwe (drought) has kicked in in earnest.

Achimwene, mkango nawonso unatha mano. Inuyo kapumeni. Osamakhala nkhakamira ngati Museveni.

Unworried Big Man Wamkulu