Bringing back trust in your relationship
It is never easy to forgive a spouse when you catch them cheating. It is even more difficult when you are certain that you love them dearly and want to stay in the marriage but don’t trust your spouse anymore. Mwereti Kanjo spoke to some experts on how you can bring back trust in a marriage.
It can never be emphasised enough how important trust is in a marriage or relationship of any sort. The reason why so many marriages end up in divorce is because of a lack of trust. Trust, along with love, is the bedrock of a happy marriage.
At your wedding, your husband made a vow to love you and you alone till death. Now when you catch him cheating or have a reason to doubt his faithfulness to you, often times the trust fades away.
Love and trust are two different emotions. You could love someone whole heartedly and not trust them at all. Where you wish to remain in the marriage, how do you regain the trust?
Psychologist Sandra Mapemba says the main components one needs is time, patience, honesty, commitment to your marriage, love and forgiveness. She advises not to make any major decisions about ending your marriage quickly just because your spouse has been unfaithful.
This is the time to do some reflection on the marriage to see what other issues other than this infidelity need to be recognised and dealt with. Make a decision to love by trying to let go of the past. Only after the decision is made can one move forward to rebuild the marriage.
“Ask all the questions you want. Talk with the spouse about the infidelity. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. Accept the feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful spouse are normal.
“Remember that your marriage has changed. You will need to grieve that loss. Take it one day at a time. Both you and your spouse should be tested for HIV, Aids and STDs before you resume sexual intimacy without protection.
“Consider what boundaries you need in your marriage in order to stay in the marriage. Think twice before telling family members, on both sides, about the infidelity. Family members can often hold grudges a long time and can deter the rebuilding of the marriage,†said Mapemba.
“Regaining trust must not be one sided. The cheating spouse will need to show understanding of what the partner has felt and experienced, and needs to prove that he is truly sorry, willing to change offending behaviours, and working on earning the trust once again.
“The marriage can’t be sustained if there is no trust between the two. The cheating spouse should ensure that you are sleeping, eating, healthy, exercising, drinking plenty of water and getting some laughter as well as having time alone,†adds Mapemba.
Commenting on the same, Randy Gombwa, a marriage counsellor, said the act of cheating simply shows a lack of principles in a man. Someone with principals will always remind themselves of their wife and how much they love her. Finding another woman more attractive than your wife is simply an illusion of the mind.
“The Bible clearly says that thou shall not commit adultery and no sex before marriage. People tend to be careless about these things. Cheating becomes worse in a marriage when it is the woman that has been caught. Men are unwilling to forgive while women can stay and try to make amends.
“It is a lot easier for a Christian marriage because their conscious will trouble them leading them to confessing and honestly promising not to do it again,†says Gombwa.
