Can you change your loved one?

You love them, but you wish they could stop doing certain things. You have studied them and are convinced that if only they made a few changes to their attitudes or personalities, they would be better people. But, is it truly possible to change someone else? Mwereti Kanjo seeks advice on the matter.

Nobody is perfect and that is a fact. It is said that true love is that which loves unconditionally and takes the person as they are, but this is not entirely true! What if the aspect that you wish to change in the next person will not only improve your relationship but also make them a better person? This is something called constructive change.

What are some of the things you would like to change about your partner? Does he drink too much or talk too loud? Does he have no manners? Does he not know that his insensitive words hurt those around him? Or, is he always smiling, even when you would like him to be serious and the silly grin on his face makes you so angry?

It might be something small, but you wish he could stop just that one annoying habit. If he did, he would be the ideal partner. Just how do you change him, if at all?

Psychologist Chiwoza Bandawe says people will only change if they want to; otherwise, changing someone is not so easy. He says if you want to make someone ‘better’, the best thing is for you to change yourself to accommodate the other person the way they are.

“It is really not easy to change others. What you can do is to suggest to them that ‘when you do this, I feel this way,’ then maybe they might want to change. Otherwise, people will only change when they are ready,” advises Bandawe.

Sharing similar sentiments is sociologist, Pierson Ntata. He says changing others is only possible with changing yourself first. The problem with most people when they want to influence others, they are accusatory and judgmental.

“Changing others comes with changing yourself and your attitude towards them. If you condemn them all the time and if you are negative, they will also be recessive.  You have to change to adapt to the person that they are. Sometimes, people will change because you have accepted them and they have seen what their actions do to you,” offers Ntata.