Can you compromise with a man who drinks?

Should you marry a man who drinks alcohol or a teetotaller? Are there advantages in having a man who indulges in alcohol or one who abstains from it? PAIDA MPASO finds out.

Sociologist Pierson Ntata believes that, while dating gives both parties the chance to get to know each other. Courtship also makes both parties comfortable with each other. The partners talk, interact and share ideas. Because of this, they are able to understand each other and reach a compromise when they face difficult situations.

“If you have a problem with your partner’s relationship with alcohol, remember that drinking beer is a habit which you cannot pry a man from in an instant. As a woman, you need to try very hard. However, the best way of dealing with a man who drinks is to make your position clear while you are dating. When you do, he will understand your position at an early stage and cannot be a bother,” he says.

Mirriam Zambeli, a mother of five children says men who drink, if not controlled or stopped, have the ability to ruin the whole marriage and the future of your children. She claims to have separated from her husband for more than five times.

“When we were courting, his drinking was simply casual. Because I felt it was not that serious, I let him to do it. Little did I know that I was nursing a little monster of a husband,” Zambeli says.

She recalls that when they got married, her husband started drinking heavily and after all else failed, she left him.

“It got to a point where he would literally sleep on the verandah. My children started despising him because at that time, my salary was not enough to meet house rent and their school fees. He never cared though. All he did was drink. We really suffered,” she adds.

Though Zambeli is still married to him, she recalls the time he moved out of the house just so he could be near his drinking buddies.

“Most of the times, I asked myself why I had let the situation reach that stage but then again I couldn’t live with regrets. I had to be strong for my children, so I shouldered on. We then heard that he got fired from his job, which meant the little money I was receiving had to be split even further. Most people thought I was crazy and we became the talk of the neighbourhood. Even though I was hurting, I had no choice as technically he was still my husband and the father of my children.”

“The more my energy was focused on him, the more our lives remained the same. Up to now, I still believe that he caused this poverty in our lives, but I am still with him and we are surviving,” she says.

Ntata says when a woman declares her position during courtship the man understands how much she will tolerate. He adds that trying to declare your position while already married is a waste of time and complicates things.

“There are no advantages to drinking. If anything, drinking too much causes problems, especially if the woman is not in agreement. Reaching a compromise is another difficult thing because drinking beer becomes his way of life. Simply accept that you made a mistake and take it from there,” he advises.