Can’t I just be friends with him without sex?

Dear BMW,

I am 23 and my best friend is a man. It has been my nature to be a cool chick who has many male friends. But making male friends is so damn difficult.

The guy I chill with these days is funny and I really have a good time with him. We are always cool when we are together. We are friends and I like it that way.

At the onset, he protected me and he is the one who mentors me about relationships. When I am with him, I am very comfortable, we talk about almost anything. He is my best dude and the shoulder to lean on when I am down.

He has been acting very respectfully and never tried even once to hit on me. He didn’t make any sexual comments or brought up any inappropriate topics. So, I took it that he understood the boundaries and was happy being just friends.

But, all of a sudden, he has been showing signs that he wants to ‘hit it’. He seems restless when he is alone with me. When I am dressing up in front of him, which I have been doing for the past two years together, he looks away. Yet, this is a guy I have been sharing siestas in the same bed on weekends and road trips but he has never touched me inappropriately.

When I confronted him about his change in behaviour towards me, he denied any wrong doing or harbouring sexual fantasies with me. But I can see that he no longer sees me as a friend but a prey, and it has left me confused because I thought we are cool and we can be friends without sex being involved.

I don’t want to lose him. What should I do?

Pule, via WhatsApp, Area 25 A, Lilongwe

Pule,

Not that I am archaic, but I remember during one of our youth sessions with the elderly at church, I asked the same question you are asking: ‘Can we just be friends?’ One of the elders, a dear old nurse rebutted: ‘What for?’

It appears for you guys, this is already more than friendship. What type of friendship sees someone undressing in front of their ‘friend’? You should know that the biology, anatomy and chemistry of a man and a woman are different. You beckoned all this trouble yourself.

You are weird to think this man could not have sexual fantasies about you when you are able to ignite his most innate fires by dressing and undressing before him. That is where your problems began. You provoked him and now, just swallow the venom of your own spleen.

He is a man. What fires him up, you don’t know.

And, for that matter, you have put yourself in a really awkward situation. His friends all know you two are an item. If you can get undressed, sorry to get you back to this, in front of him, what more do you think they can deduce? They are clever and read between the lines. That beyond the friendship facade, you two are munching the goods right and proper.

Do you think this friend of yours can live with the mavu-pa-mango image for so long? In case you don’t understand, wasps (mavu) can build nests on mangoes they can’t feast on for ages. Yet, the mavu sting those who want a taste of the succulent yembedodo mango fruits. Juicy.

You don’t know. You are slimming your chances of getting a Mr Right. That Mr Right feels you are taken. And even sadly, you are widdening the youngman’s chances of getting the right partner. Akutsekereza phala kunkobwe mwaiwe.

Please, give this man his room. Honour him. Respect him. Give him peace. He is not a fool to tolerate your advances. When you undress in front of him, what do you want to achieve? Katundu akakhala pa alumali, will it be wrong for a customer to express interest to buy?

Don’t be naive and come down to earth. You are 23 and must grow up. Be mature and do what any woman in your shoes could do. Stand up to the reality or forever hold your peace.

Zibwana eti?