Mark my word, biggie, I have an eye for beautiful women and the moment I spot one my heart skips a beat. Don’t blame me for this because it is common in most of us.
There is this workmate of mine, who, believe me, old man, she is gorgeous and I don’t think there was one of her kind in your days because had she been, you would have sought to go back in time.
Let me get straight to the point. I am single and I want to marry her. Although her beauty has swayed me, there is also some chemistry between us but for one reason or another, she seems coy about it. I say this because she has been flashing some romantic signals, but to my surprise every moment I make a move she ignores me. It is not that I am misjudging her. Even you, biggie, would have seen matters from my perspective. I have, therefore, come to you, old man, because I have run out of steam, maybe you have a trick or two from your old days which can help me.
First and foremost, I am not an old man. I may have been married six times (is it seven or eight? I cannot remember), have fathered more children than I can remember their names or their respective mothers and have had countless liaisons to rival King Solomon. That, however, hardly classifies me as an old man.
I am just a man who has seen and done things more than my grandfather. And that does not make me any older than him. It just makes me more experienced, more exposed, more abused, more dumped and better qualified to dispense advice for distressed romantic souls such as yours. My life revolves around the Chichewa adage, ‘Kuona fisi sikukula koma kuyenda usiku’.
That notwithstanding, grant me the licence to call you a young man or a boy, because I can read mischief in your letter that could only come from a pen of one so inexperienced, yet so impudent.
My boy, the beauty of women in a generation is defined by women of a generation past. Who do you think bore that gorgeous woman for whom you seem to have lost your head? Besides, my great-grandmother told me one lesson about women; never to be fooled by their beauty, it is only skin deep.
Now, I am at wits’ end to understand what you mean by saying there is no chemistry between the two of you. Chemistry is what you learn in secondary school and college. There is no such thing between a man and a woman. Relationships between men and women are defined by two things: money and sex. Men don’t want beauty or any of that idealistic stuff from women. They just want sex. Women, too, care less whether you spot a six-pack, are a workmate, possess immense intelligence and such other idyllic nonsense. That is stuff for romantic literature. It’s all about money. And if you don’t have it, forget there will ever be valence bonds between the two of you.
Finally, Merry Christmas and a happy New Year to you and your partner-in-chemistry.
I have spoken.
Big Man Wamkulu
Inspiration for the week: Chikomekome cha nkhuyu mkati muli nyerere.