Children in the middle

Divorce and separation are a common phenomenon these days. We hear and read of divorce cases in magazines and newspapers; we are now becoming accustomed to this.
The question is why do so many married couples decide to split? How can people stay happy for many years, only for the marriage to turn sour.
A marriage doesn’t usually just blow up. It’s more like a balloon that has been seeping air for a long time. After a while, it’s totally deflated.
Divorce or separation affect family members in many different ways. While many children can foster healthy relationships post-divorce, some may experience challenges maintaining future relationships after coping with their parents’ divorce.
But the truth is that it is very common to find couples using children to punish or manipulate each other.
The same applies to couples who break up after a relationship, but may have sired a child together.
This is not healthy for the children and corrective measures have to be put in place not to jeopardise the future of these children.
It is heart breaking to hear answers children give concerning their parents relationships with questions such as:  Were your parents divorced when you were a child or adolescent? Did your parents fight for control over you and your siblings? Did one of your parents try to turn you against the other parent? Did you get to visit and spend quality time with both your mother and father?
Many people may answer yes to the first, second and third questions, but not the fourth. Most people can relate what it was like to live through a divorce with their parents. Unfortunately, they can also relate to what it is like to feel like pawns in a war that was waged by at least one parent against the other.
The wars range from bitter custody battles, child maintenance and support. Most of the times, one parent attempts to obtain sole custody while restricting visiting rights of the other parent.
It may be obstructing support to the children or giving unrealistic conditions and demands in either fulfilling such an obligation.
Under these circumstances, you might be led to believe that the battle was being waged against some alcohol and drug addict who was abusive to the children.
However, in many cases there is no abuse going on. Rather, the motivation of the vindictive parent is to exact revenge against the other parent for sins having been committed between the two of them.
When a couple with children divorces or separates, it will be useful for both parties to attend a seminar or counseling sessions. This is an informative and useful class about the effects of divorce or separation on children meant to aid parents in keeping children out of adult issues.
However, the instruction does not go far enough. It needs to be followed up with ‘How to be a custodial parent’ and ‘How to be a noncustodial parent’, to prepare each parent to fulfill these new roles.
For example, parents must not enroll children in activities that will take place during the other parent’s time without discussion and agreement.
While it is hoped that both parents will support a child’s participation in sports and other activities, this is a control issue that will cause needless conflict if decided unilaterally.
It is very important that divorced or separated, parents should not use children to manipulate or punish the other party. Remember, these children are gifts from God to the two. n