Curse of a cousin

Dear BMW,

A few weeks ago, I went visiting my ‘side guy’ (wink! wink!) as I have done for the past five or so months. I must say here, however, I am engaged to someone who stays in another city.

I have known my Side Guy since our childhood, having grown up in the same neighbourhood. He was my true first love. But due to one reason or the other, we broke up and we went our separate ways. I then met my fiancé who swept me off my feet and before I knew it we were engaged.

While still engaged, I reconnected with my first true love, Side Guy, and we hit it off again, on the understanding he would let go of me for good once I’m married. So, when I went visiting him this other weekend, it was just one of those things.

We were lying in bed, this early Saturday morning, when we heard a rasping knock on the door of his bedsitter. The knock had a touch of familiar violence to it and Side Guy seemed to have guessed who it was even before he walked over to open the door.

Dressed only in his underwear, he ambled to the door and opened it. In stumbled someone who swayed like a leaf in the wind. When the eyes of the new arrival and mine locked, my heart sunk and I dropped my eyes.

The guy was a distant cousin to my fiancé. Side Guy introduced him as one of his best friends; he introduced me as his girlfriend. Throughout his brief stay, I was tensed up. I was relieved when he left a few minutes later.

Now, there was no doubt about what had just happened in the room that morning or throughout the night and any person with half a brain, even a drunk one, would have guessed the nature of the sin that had taken place. I knew I was in hot soup.

Side Guy and I acted as if everything was normal. But I was tormented inside.

Later that day, I received a text from the cousin in which he threatened to spill the beans to my fiancé unless I gave him a piece of my flesh. Now, to be honest, the cousin nauseates me and I can’t imagine the thought of being intimate with him, even if he was the last person on earth. But I can’t bear the fear of losing my fiancé either. Should I give in to his blackmail and hope he will let go of me and leave me in peace?

In fact, I don’t want to lose Side Guy either. He has the leverage on me that I cannot extricate myself. What should I do?

Nasibeko via  WhatsApp

Dear Anasibeko,

First things first. Ask Side Guy to rent a house with an actual bedroom. For one, it can be the difference between a wedding and blackmail.

Secondly. Do you know a bird locally known as nyerankuleke? The myth goes that this small bird pursues other birds—big or small—across the sky while chirping ‘nyerankuleke! nyerankuleke!–nyerankuleke!’ and won’t break its chase until the other bird poops. It then feeds on the poop and goes its way contented. Hence, the name nyerankuleke.

If you still want to marry your fiancé, accept that the cousin has the leverage on you, the type of which he won’t let go of until death do you part. Iweyo wasanduka chakudya chagulu (a communal dish), with your husband-to-be as the main beneficiary, and cousin and Side Guy as auxiliary beneficiaries.

If you want to break the cousin’s stranglehold on you, your options left out there for you are to confess to your fiancé (which won’t end well) or break up with him and start your life afresh elsewhere. Either way, that cousin will hover over your life like the sword of Damocles.

Even if you seek your life elsewhere with another man, he will seek out your new man and tell him how you two-timed his cousin with his best friend. And that won’t be too good to your new man.

In other words, accept that this guy is nyerankuleke. Until you give him a pound of your flesh, he won’t let go. But even if you give a pound of flesh, he is someone who won’t go away. Because when nyerankuleke becomes famished (which is very often), it starts that process of chasing for poop all over again.

Ameneyo sakusiya.

Big Man Wamkulu