Dealing with abusive in-laws

Bertha, 39, tells of how abusive her mother in-law was; how she shouted at her for no reason and demeaned her.
She snapped. One day Bertha pushed the mother-in-law and spit in her face. She packed her belongings and left, thereafter. That was the end of her marriage.
Chancellor College sociologist Charles Chilimampunga notes that women fall victims of most cases of abuse by in-laws in Malawi, putting the victim’s spouse in awkward situations as they do not want to ‘betray’ the victim by siding with the relatives and at the same time, do not want to disappoint the relatives by siding with the spouse.

“In my view, abuse from anyone should not be tolerated. The husband/wife must stand up for his/her spouse in such situations. Although blood is thicker than water, water is life.
“The one you live with is the one who protects your life. If not checked, abuse from in-laws can result in friction between a couple and lead to premature termination of marriage,” he says.
He cites different causes of such abuses. Firstly, he notes that some in-laws feel that their child is drifting away from them; that he/she is giving too much love and attention to the spouse.
“Their aim may be to end the marriage in the hope that they would begin to benefit from their son/daughter,” he points out.
However, the sociologist notes that not all spouses are blameless as some are selfish.
“They do not want to share resources with the spouse’s relations or even host them. They may also be too possessive and not allow their spouse to visit his/her home or socialise with friends. Such bad behaviour can influence in-laws to become abusive,” Chilimampunga notes.
In addition, he says in a patriarchal society such as Malawi, there is a dominant feeling that men must always be in control; make decisions and be breadwinners. When the wife is unwilling or unable to live under such conditions, she is likely to be abused by in-laws.
Says Chilimampunga: “Imagine what relatives would say if they found their son washing nappies while his wife is talking on the phone about her office work. Until we accept that men and women are equal even though they are different, we should expect women to be victimised more than men.”
The best way to handle abuse from in-laws according to him is for the spouse to approach perpetrators and discuss the matter with them.
“The spouse should voice out his/her concerns and, if they want to maintain the marriage/relationship, they should emphasise that the abuse must stop. If this fails, then the couple must seek counseling from marriage counsellors or social-psychologists,” he says.