Life is complex, a lot of things happen that lead us into a total transformation of who we are. Sometimes this change is for the best. But there are those people in your life that just refuse to move with you on this journey. Each time you are around them, they bring up something from your past.
Mwereti Kanjo analyses an article by life coach, columnist and author Martha Beck on how you deal with people who cannot get over the old you.
As human beings, we are naturally inclined to be afraid of the unknown. According to Martha Beck, this fear of the unknown leads people to reject the continuous transformation that we cannot run away from. They try to keep their friends and loved ones in that same place.
“Promise me that you will never change,†lovers whisper to each other, but only a rock or painting is capable of fulfilling this promise.
What Beck is trying to explain is that there are certain people who ask the impossible of those around them. Life’s circumstances will one way or the other lead us into changing. This is a fact of life that must be accepted.
Anyone who thinks new thoughts or does new deeds is likely to elicit anger, disapproval and criticism from a person who is stuck at the same level.
“Women who are undergoing changes are likely to experience change back messages from their nearest and dearest. The messages come in many forms; sabotage, cold silence, shouted insults, refusal to cooperate. But all convey just one idea that they do not like what you have done.
“Go back to the way you were, they keep telling you. This might be baffling in the face of positive achievement like losing weight, falling in love or learning new ideas.
“But change back attackers are not really thinking about the person they are pressuring. They are fighting for their lives or at least life as they know it. These are people who are motivated not only by their own fear of change but by the pressure of others that surround them.
“The force of change back attacks has the weight of all those in the relationship. Resist successfully, and you may end up affecting people you will never meet,†said Beck.
However, Beck advises that when someone is giving the change-back messages pay attention, do not resist or submit to anything they say. This is important because your change will affect those around you. They either have to make alterations in their own life to suit with yours or lose a good friend and lover. All this cannot be expected to be easy for the other person.
After you have listened to everything that they had to say, find a quiet private moment and reflect on what was shared. Breathe and relax. Look back at all the reasons that led you into changing yourself and weigh them against what the change back comments were trying to relay.
If the change back messages feel right, do not be afraid to change course but if they do not stick to your new you and enjoy life.
