Friendship with opposite sex in couples

Friendship is elastic enough to connect us across the web of complex lives. Friends can be of the same gender or opposite sex. But the big question is: Is it okay to keep friendship with the opposite sex while married? Are there any merits in such relationships or are such “friends” a threat to marriage? Our guest writer, STELLA FOWOWE writes.

While there is no clear-cut answer to that age-old question of whether men and women can truly be just friends, for married people, the message is clear: tread carefully and keep your relationship with your spouse above all others.

Every marriage has its ups and downs. When the roller coaster has you raging down a steep, seemingly endless hill, you will need a kind shoulder to lean on. Know who it belongs to and appreciate the gift that is pure, kind and non-judgemental; friendship at its very finest.

As people marry late in life, many bring long-term opposite-sex friendships into their marriage. While the friendships were great during singlehood, in marriage, these relationships may prove problematic.

In as much as it is alright for married people to have opposite-sex friends, I believe out of respect for your spouse, that even if you were close friends before the marriage, there ought to be defined boundaries around that friendship.

For example, I would not be comfortable with a married man or woman meeting an opposite sex friend for lunch or dinner on a regular basis to talk about what is going on in their lives. That is a conversation reserved for the spouse.

But sometimes you hear someone saying that their spouse is not understanding, he or she doesn’t see things in a professional way, their spouse is too stereotyped or do not yield and understand. This often constitute to some of the reasons why many have intimate opposite sex friends.

Special consideration must be given to a number of factors that, if ignored, can potentially threaten the marriage. No matter how successfully you think you’re managing your marriage and your opposite-sex friendship, if your spouse thinks it’s a problem, then it is indeed a problem.

It is possible to think that you have had an opposite-sex friendship at work for years and nothing has ever happened and nothing ever will. The question is: Are you sure he or she feels the same way?

You might not intend for anything inappropriate to happen. But because of his or her own issues—ones of which you are completely unaware of—they may be starting to drift too close to you.

Studies have shown that 90 percent of the time one of the individuals in an opposite sex friendship has experienced romantic feelings for the friend at some point. Sometimes it is addressed and sometimes it isn’t, but the feelings were or are still there. .

Most friendships with opposite sex starts at workplace, but they are also found in recreational settings, volunteer organisations and even at church. What starts out as casual, innocent conversation develops into an intimate one where personal problems are revealed and help is offered by the friend, and consequently they have their plates too full to handle.

Massive “love bank deposits” are made when that happens. The next thing you know, you’re hooked.

Rules have a great deal to do with the outcome of our lives. If we follow them, we tend to be happy and fulfilled. Just like traffic rules that are made to help us get to our destination safely, marital rules are designed to help create a safe and fulfilling marriage.

Some of these rules include:

Your spouse always comes first

If your relationship with your friend is causing marital strife, your first consideration should always be your mate.

Listen to your intuition

If you feel deep down that your friend has romantic feelings for you, do not pursue the platonic friendship. You will eventually hurt somebody.

Keep personal space and physical touch in check

Although the relationship may be more relaxed, keep the same amount of distance and space you would with your boss’s wife. Close proximity and intimate touch is reserved for your spouse alone.

Don’t discuss your spouse’s flaws with your friend.