Handling a difficult mother-in-law

(continued from last week)

Now that you understand why your mother-in-law may behave in an unsavoury fashion, keep an open mind around your mother-in-law and try your best to keep situations upbeat and positive. When something uncomfortable does happen, try these tips to calm the rough seas.

Positive attitude

Just like being a daughter-in-law is new to you taking up the role of a mother-in-law is new to her too. Always try and convey a positive attitude towards her. The older woman is probably just trying her best to fit into her role as a mom-in-law.

Equality

Try to treat your mother-in-law and your mother equally. For example, if you give your mother a birthday gift, then give your mother-in-law a gift for her birthday too. For instance, some women send Chambo to their mothers for the weekend, but send bonya to their mothers-in-law.

This is not on. Also visit your mother and your mother-in-law with almost similar frequency.

Respect

Treat your mother-in-law with respect. Consider her older and wiser. She may have been through a lot of hardships in her life. In fact, talk to her and ask her about her childhood, growing up, raising kids, and life experiences. When she shares her life with you, she will develop a liking for you and that can lead to a strong bond between the two of you.

Expectations

Getting to know the family you have married into may take time. Though most daughters-in-law are welcomed into the family with open arms, do not get disheartened if it does not happen. Give them time to know you better.

Reach out to her

Having someone enter your home and start telling you how to live can be irritating, but maybe she really just wants to help. Reach out to your mother-in-law. Ask her opinion—perhaps on issues where you are willing to be flexible—and respect it. Remember, respecting someone’s opinion and agreeing with it are two entirely different things.

Ask for advice

While you know your mother-in-law will be offering up tons of advice during your meeting, you may be able to prevent some of the unwanted comments and make her feel valued by asking for her advice before she offers it.  Ask her advice as soon as you see her.

Be thankful

Even if you get annoyed with her sometimes, she did at least one thing right—raised your husband! Whenever she offers advice or tries to help you, calmly thank her for her opinion even if you do not agree. It is completely possible to disagree and still have a loving relationship.

Be attentive

When your mother-in-law is at home, be attentive towards her. Sit and chat, show her around town and if she wants to help you prepare meals, then let her. You two can get to know each other better and bond. If she prefers to sit around being waited on hand and foot, don’t be offended. Let it be.

Information

Try to keep your mother-in-law informed; call and let her know about important events. Keep her in the loop. If you have children, send pictures to your mother-in-law not only your own parents. Grandmothers love getting pictures of their grandchildren.

Never forget your authority

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking like a child when around your mother-in-law. Don’t forget that you are an adult with rights to disagree and do things your way.  When the situation calls for it, take a firm position, especially when your partner fails to draw the line with his mother. You’ll have to draw that line yourself.

Having a mother-in-law who thinks she knows everything can be daunting to deal with. However, with a bit more insight and a few strategies you can diffuse the awkwardness and go on to maybe even enjoy your family get-togethers.