He cannot ‘run a marathon’

Biggie,

I am 25 and my husband is 15 years my senior. I suspect he is going through a midlife crisis, but all I want from him is to at least show that he cares about me by having marathon sessions with me.

Biggie, I think I was born a bit abnormal because, honestly, I need more than one round to be satisfied.

You see, every time I am pumped up for a marathon session, my husband is not up to it. He just lies there like a log and does not make any effort. He whizzes, pants and gasps for air as if he wants to die.

I should have read the warning signs.

Biggie, when we were dating he was not showing any interest in sex. I used to visit him when he was living in Lilongwe, we would spend an entire weekend together. He would not even touch me. I was happy then because I thought we were reserving our energies for the real deal, marriage. But alas, I was wrong.

Nowadays, in the wee hours, I try to excite him, but he snores back to sleep like a baby. I know he is not cheating because the way he is lazy, no woman in her right frame of mind would take him to bed.

Outside of the bedroom, he is kind, caring and generous, but I am not getting any younger. I know he is old, depressed, but hey, I am beautiful, sexy and I do not think I can stop having sex at my age.

Should I divorce him and find a new partner?

I am starved Biggie, what should I do?

Ruby, Area 36, Lilongwe

Dearest Ruby,

I think you got what you deserved. If you saw the red flag that this man could not put up an effort and you still went ahead to marry him! What did you expect? A miracle? Ruby, men are the same, they don’t change and they will never change. What you see is what you get.

If he is a drunkard, he will be a drunkard for the better part of his life. He will not change. If he is a cheat, expect him to cheat with your younger sister or maid. Remember the saying, ‘you can take a boy out of the village, but you cannot take the village out him’.

This should serve as a lesson to your likes. It is important to take your man for ‘road test’. If you see that they avoid marathons please do not lose your weaves and eye lashes over such men. They will never change.

If he gasps for air and pants like a baby, do not lose your make-up or lip gross over them. That man will not change, he will only get worse.

I know some will protest, but sex is an art only handful men such as yours truly are good at it.

You see Ruby, nice men are often flukes. You have said in your letter that outside of the bedroom, he is as kind, caring and generous. Yet when it comes to sex, he seems to undergo a Jekyll-and-Hyde type transformation into a selfish and insensitive brute who doesn’t give monkeys about your feelings.

This is the main characteristic of nice men. If you see one, ignore them, they are not worth your sweat.

Enough about your man. Ruby, you are rather selfish and you do not take a leading role in ensuring that he is ready for a marathon. From experience, your man might actually be insecure and needs your assurance.

It sounds to me that he lacks the confidence to venture outside the straightforward sex. So Ruby, come out of your closet and show this man that you can be the wife he wants.

The other dynamic at play here is that for three years, you have pretty much pretended to be happier with your sex life than you are.

Talk to him and demand what is rightfully yours.

Big Man Wamkulu SC