Dear BMW,
I consider it an honour to be able to reach out to you in order to tap from your well of wisdom. The counsel that you offer through this space has helped many lives. You have, with unexpected ease brought solutions to cracking puzzles that many cannot even dare to attempt. That is why without any aura of doubt I want to deposit my little problem before your wise and proven counsel.
BMW, I fell in love with a certain hottie. The first time I gazed into her big and well rounded eyes at one of the popular drinking joints in town, I knew I wanted to have her. I can’t lie, my colleagues that I was sharing my table with then tried in vain to prevent me from securing her contact number that day. They said she is a diva and she will just deplete my small wallet further. But because of her glowing beauty, I heard none of it. Within a week of our first meeting, our relationship got off with some unexpected intensity and flair. Not a day passed without receiving some sexy picture from her. It was a relationship which many only dreamt of. But as they say all things come to an end. One argument led to another and life was eventually sucked out of that once burning romance.
BMW, now my problem is; after a break in communication for a good four months, the lady has appeared claiming that she is carrying my six month old child. Yes, I played on the turf without boots several times but not at one point did she say that she has missed her menses. BMW, is this lady about town not playing me? I have proposed a meeting with her but before I do so, help me how I should deal with this issue.
Uncle Sam, via WhatsApp, Area 5, Machinjiri
Dearest Uncle Sam,
What I know is that hot babes don’t easily get knocked up. I tried it on campus at Chanco, when I was loafing around in Katoto and when I got my first job in Harare. It just does not work.
Koma nkhwangwa ndiye iii olo kamodzi mkamodzi. So let’s put that lie aside. Because the babe you have knocked up is not a hottie or anywhere near it. Love is blind so we get it.
Now that we have sorted that issue let’s move on to the gist of your great massive; pregnancy. Men all over the world are afraid of three things; snakes, coming quickly and, of course, news of unexpected pregnancy from a side chick. It is news that makes men disappear often for good or simply brings the monster out of them.
You, my brother is not an isolated case. Strangely, you had all options at your disposal; to pull out every time you hit it raw or even wear CDs, but you chose not to.
It’s strange that despite the dangers of unprotected sex, you and your kind still engage in stupid behavior, hoping for a miracle. As for her, she lay there moaning and asking for more as if she is immune to pregnancy and warts.
My dear, when it comes to these matters, please do not throw caution to the wind. Unwanted pregnancies connote forced fatherhood. Please read a ground-breaking essay in the New York Times. Writer Laurie Shrag writes: “If a man accidentally conceives a child with a woman, his choices are surprisingly few.”
You, my brother, have few choices. You will either have to accept that you will be a dad or you will be forced to be a dad. There no two ways about it. Remember, I have told you that the babe you were dating is not hot, which means you have believe every word she has told you.
Hot babes don’t easily get knocked up.
So if you ask me again: is she playing me? My answer is, hell no. She is damn pregnant and the baby is yours, bro.
Zativuta basi.
Big Man Wamkulu
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