My name is Big Man Wamkulu or in short, BMW. And I demand respect.
My column will be the forum for the broken-hearted and the disappointed who seek advice and a shoulder to cry on. You can bring your sorrows to me, Big Man Wamkulu and I will lend you a shoulder to cry on.
Let me qualify my above statements and shed light on my agenda. Please, don’t bring to me problems that border on your financial difficulties. I am neither a banker nor a loan shark. However, if you need directions to the nearest banker or loan shark, I will, at a commission, happily provide you with directions.
And please, I beg of you, do not bother me with shortcomings in your spiritual life. I am not a prophet, although I once prophesised there would be an earthquake on some midnight last January. That earthquake happened in some forgotten place west of Nthalire, but the problem is the people there did not get to learn of my prophecy or the earthquake until after it occurred.
So, if you need spiritual redemption, seek it from a pastor—any pastor so long as they don’t rip you off (which they will do if you blink as you pray).
I am not a medical doctor (not even a fake one for that matter), so, don’t harass me with symptoms of your real or imaginary ailments.
However, if your husband is cheating on you with your best friend or your younger sister or your housemaid (which most men do and your man is probably doing), Big Man Wamkulu will listen to you.
Or if your wife is nagging you towards suicide, then bring it on; I can advise you on the best methods of committing suicide.
Some of you might be asking who am I to qualify as an adviser. Actually, I earned this title. I have been through a lot.
I have been lied to. Cheated. Heart-broken. Dumped. Divorced six times. Sued more times than I can remember. Jailed twice. Raped. Almost murdered. And to cap it all, I have fathered children in all districts of the country. But that is neither here nor there. What really makes me an adviser is that I am listener to people’s problems and I like throwing in the occasional caveat. Besides, I am good with women. Tehe!
However, I must caution you against taking my advice on face value. As Big Man Wamkulu, I like thinking outside the box. I can only advise, but the onus to put this advice into action rests squarely with you.
Hence, I, Big Man Wamkulu, will not be responsible for financial or property loss, pregnancy and/or loss of virginity, loss of faith in your religion, et cetera, due to improper use of my advice. So, if you want me to compound your misery, email me as follows: email@example.com