How to get out of an abusive relationship

Having looked at readers’ opinion on why some women stay in abusive relationships last week, how one can get out of it. Dumase Zgambo-Mapemba does a random research on the subject and writes:-

Men can be abused too. But the focus now is on women.

Not all abuse leave a woman with visible bruises. Emotional, economic, and sexual abuse are also forms of abuse that may not necessarily leave physical scars. Some women have complained that their partners have a habit of coming home as late as 4 a.m from a drinking spree. When they come back, they do not care to explain where they have been. As a loving partner, the woman gets anxious, not necessarily about the faithfulness, but about the safety of the partner.

Sometimes a woman finds intimate or romantic texts in her husband’s phone or mail box; or her husband talking romantically in low tones with a woman in the bathroom. Putting the argument of privacy aside, it is equally emotionally draining and abusive.

 

Accept and recognise the problem

Most women have a tendency of making excuses for the partner. Some even blame themselves for it. Maybe this stems out from the fact that most abusers brainwash the victim into thinking that it is their fault. Nevertheless, some men will apologise, or do something nice for the women. But they do not stop the abuses!

 

Save evidence of abuse

Save threatening emails, messages, hospital records, pictures of injuries, and other documentation of the abuse outside your home. This evidence will be helpful if you decide to go to the police or pursue an order of protection.

 

Confide in someone you trust

Be careful who you talk to. Some people rejoice over other people’s misfortunes. Tell a trust-worthy friend or sibling, pastor, counselor or physician. It is at this point that ankhoswe from both sides need to be officially told.

 

Make a Plan

Develop a detailed safety plan. Consider opening a bank account in your name. Pack a bag with clothes, money, keys, medications, and important documents. Keep this bag at work, with a trusted friend, or somewhere your abuser will not find it.

If you are a housewife, make some savings, and find a small business that you can do. There are a number of women groups that can help with funding or ideas.

 

Your kids

Find a way of telling them why you need to go away from dad with them. You need not to tell them the actual reason, but make sure you don’t lie to them. They may hate you for lying than for keeping it from them. This is quite tricky if a lobola was given for you. But by this time, I am sure both ankhoswes know your predicament. Make them understand.

 

See a counsellor

Seeing a counsellor and joining support groups can help you and your kids recover.  Go to your nearest hospital and ask them to recommend a counsellor.