Hubby is too obsessed with me

Dear BMW,

I’m a 32-year-old woman and my man is 45. In the past, he couldn’t help but look at every skirt that passed his way. He was hardly home as he was ‘working late’ or ‘drinking with his friends’.

I was tired of his cheating and confided in my neighbour, who advised me to consult Mayi Limaya—a local traditional medicine woman who used to live in my neighbhourhood. She gave me some herbs which I put in his food and walaaa, the charm worked wonders.

Today, my hubby is a changed man. He no longer loves sex, but loves me so much that it has become too much. He wants to spend all his time with me. He drops me at the office and is there at five-ish to pick me after up after work.

At the weekends, he buys his six bottles of ‘Cheemleereni’ (a beer) and doesn’t go out anymore. He follows me around everywhere; in the kitchen and toilet. He is so obsessed with me that I am really getting annoyed. He smiles a lot and laughs at every silly joke. When I want to attend women-only events, he offers to join me.

BMW, I don’t know what to do to fix this mess because I miss a part of my old lover—who was naughty and into sex.

What should I do to reverse the situation, Mayi Limaya cannot be traced?

Confused Wife,

Via WhatsApp, Domasi

Confused,

When I was at some age, I used to wonder a lot about snakes. You know, when snakes bite you, venom from their spleen is ingested into your blood stream.

What fascinated me most was what would happen if the snake accidentally bit itself? That is what you have done. Like the snake in the little cloud up my head, you will swallow the venom of your own spleen.

Hey, let a man cheat in peace. At times, women like you try to read too much into your men. You go all the way looking for trouble in your husbands’ phones and what do you expect to find? Peace? Don’t be naive!

You wouldn’t let your hubby paint the town red with his friends, make one or two mistakes and now what do you get? Misery.

You have yourself to blame for not having read these stories about zungulirakhonde and its affiliates for jealousy women who administer the love charms on their hubbies. In the end, you find the man, typically, not wanting to go anywhere but next to you.

My dear, I repeat, you have yourself to blame. And don’t go about seeking Mayi Limaya. You won’t find her, because she sees everyone of your moves in a clay pot in her hut.

That woman is not to blame. Did you adhere to the dosage she gave you? Chances are high that you gave your hubby an overdose to the extent that he loves you more than the sex you can give him.

Get a pillow, weep your pains until your tear ducts run dry like the Sahara.

You see, the problem with you is that you listen to bad advice. I have seen better days and I will bet my last Premier Bet ticket that that friend of yours who referred you to Mayi Limaya is single, she has never been married. If she is married, has she ever administered this juju on her husband?

Be careful what advice you get. Otherwise, let me dance my Jerusalema in peace as I chew upon where to gallivant this season. Get well soon and remember kulibe manda a mbeta.