I can’t reach the point of no return

Dear BMW,

I am a 33-year-old married woman based in Zomba. I am a Christian and a well-mannered woman. Since coming of age, I have been looking forward to the day I will experience the ultimate goal in physical pleasure. But as I write to you, I am yet to experience one.

I love my man, and I know he is my true love. However, what is true love when you still feel unfulfilled physically? BMW, my man is terribly lacking in the bedroom. Most of the time, I am left yearning for more, only to find him snoring beside me. Yet, all my peers tell stories of their men taking them to a point of no return as often as they desire.

Biggy, I have tried all tricks with my man (libido-boosting herbs included), but I just can’t reach the hilltop. So, wise one, please tell me, are there any tricks in your book of love to help me reach the hilltop?

Please, please help,

Miss Hilltop, via WhatsApp, ‘Odd and Nice’, Zomba

 Dearest Miss Hilltop,

Ooh, I am really depressed that you have never reached cloud nine. But you are not alone. A majority of Malawian women, so I have heard, have never reached the hilltop or cloud nine. In fact, they say it does not exist because for them, life is always ‘iwe bwera kuno’ bang, bang, bang, and the man is done and snoring!

What men do not realise is that sex is not like first-past-the-post system in elections, where one who reaches climax first wins the contest and must go to sleep. BMW believes that the first-past-the-post system, whether in elections or in the bedroom, is not fair and must be scrapped off. Both women and men are never sure whether they lost fairly or were merely cheated in a duel. First-past-the-post must fall! I digress.

Dearest Miss Hilltop, climax cannot be faked and the day it comes rolling in, you will know as surely as one knows that it is raining! But what bothers BMW is why it has taken you so many years (you are 33) and married to realise that you need more than lousy sex. Why my dear?

Listen, there is no way in this age a woman should cook for a man, clean his house, clothes, sire children and endure his maluzi, cheating, and over boozing with the boys without getting rewarded with an earthshaking orgasm. Are you insane?

If you were single, I would have asked you to come and see me for a free orgasm but hey, you are tied. Marriage is intended to be a factory of orgasms, if you can’t get it in the comfort of your bedroom, then you are doomed and Biggy has no trick on how you can get one.  So, let me end by saying that your lazy man is a criminal and needs to be tried for crimes against humanity.

Drag him to a marriage court (kwa ankhoswe) so that he is tried and sentenced, possibly to 30 days of passion, until you hit cloud nine or in default pay you for all the free services you have been providing him.

Big Man Wamkulu