I am in a fix. I know I should hang my head in shame. And I do not know how to say this, but I feel I should take this off my chest otherwise I will suffocate. And please judge me kindly.
I have been married to the father of my two children for the past decade.
From the first time I met him, when we both lived in the UK, I knew I wanted him to be the father of my children.
After a blissful courtship, we proceeded to have a white wedding in Manchester before returning home to start a family.
But over the years, things have changed.
Ten years into our marriage, I just don’t feel any spark for him anymore. He’s a good man and a good father, but I’m not attracted to him at all.
Our interests are quite divergent, we barely talk about anything other than big stuff (bills, vacations, errands, etc.), he hasn’t come on to me in years, and I don’t think I’d respond to him if he came on to me today.
And it’s not that I’m experiencing some sort of sexual dysfunction; I still harbour deep cravings and I see men all the time I’m attracted to in that way.
I do love my husband, always have, but I don’t think I’m in love with him.
Actually, I’m sure I’m not. I know we have it better than some long-time couples—we get along, don’t really fight much, we’ve raised great kids who treat us with respect, and we’re in good shape financially.
So, maybe I should just be happy with what I have … but I can’t seem to escape this feeling that there’s something more than this, and I’m seeing time slip-sliding away.
I’m wrestling with whether to ask my husband for a divorce. He hasn’t cheated on me, I’m sure about that, nor have I cheated on him.
Can you shed some light? Thank you.
To leave or not to leave,
Dear to leave or not to leave,
Before I jump straight to the heart of your question—to divorce or to not divorce—I’d like to take a moment to answer a couple questions.
When you assembled all your relatives together, walked up that aisle and pronounced that: ‘Death do us apart’, did you really mean it? Because if you did, we would not even be discussing this issue.
The problem with most marriages these days is that they are supercilious—couples do not put too much thought and commitment into the marriage institution; hence, the short lifespan of today’s nuptials.
For me, marriage is a sacred institution, and when someone commits—before God and the priest, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold—that promise ought to mean something.
Marriage is a scared institution and it is about time we treated it as such.
When you get married, no one promises you a blissful marriage. The true measure of a man (or woman), is how enduring they are to ensure that the promise they made to stand by their partner until eternity should come to pass.
Couple nowadays are more willing to break the marriage institution at any excuse than to make the relationship work.
People behave like they were forced into forced marriages, like someone held them at gunpoint and threw them into the dungeon.
By and large, marriage is a beautiful thing. But the intensity of how happy a marriage is depends on how much effort you invest in the marriage.
In your letter, I do not see any efforts that you have made to salvage your marriage. But you quickly thing divorce is the quicker remedy. Divorce? And then what?
As you must know by now, I have been married and divorced five times (or is it six times? I don’t quite remember), and I regret not having worked hard to save every one of those marriages.
Which is I am only too glad to offer free advice so that everyone learns from my mistakes.
Good luck and have a blessed marriage.