Dear BMW,
I am 23, and in college. He was married and I wanted him to myself. I sent his wife some flowers with our picture on the card. They divorced, but he refused to continue sleeping with me. I was obsessed. I could not forget him. I could not work. I was terrified of life without him.
A few months later, I saw an ad in the newspapers that some witchdoctor would bring lost love in three days. So I visited him. He cooked his best charms, rubbed some on my face, my boobs and my headquarters. He whispered to me that once he is back, I will be too sweet for him and he will never stray again. But the charms did not work!
So, I started stalking him. I created fake profile WhatsApp accounts and tricked him to meet me at a motel. He came and we had the best sex but, again, he has blocked me out of his life.
Biggie, what should I do? I want him dearly.
Nini, via WhatsApp, Bolero
Dearest Nini,
On another day, I would have said you are a witch, but today is not that day. On second thoughts, however, you are a witch.
Only a mean-spirited witch would scheme to bring down a blissful marriage of a woman whose only sin was to get married to your idea of a perfect man.
Only a witch would consult a witchdoctor for problems she created in the first place.
Only a witch, like you, could come up with an elaborate plan of creating a WhatsApp profile just to snare a man who has zero interest in you. And, like all self-serving witches, you deserved all the heartbreak you got.
Let me say this one more time — and I’m tired of repeating this — there is no such thing as having exclusive rights to a man or a woman. We were made to share the men and the women in our lives.
Only people who suffer from delusions of exclusivity like you believe they can get a man all to themselves. It just doesn’t happen. The thing is, there’s no such thing as having a man all to yourself. It doesn’t happen in this world, in the next or in fantasyland. You share every man in your life and the gift of sharing is what makes us human. Even animals know that.
What was wrong with you sharing a man who wasn’t yours to begin with? It’s not as if his wife didn’t suspect or know that her man was playing games away from home. Women invariably know that their men usually play away fixtures; what they just don’t like is to be challenged on their turf as you did. It is evil. It just doesn’t happen and no one will be amused. Only Arsenal get whacked at home by Manchester City and everyone goes home happy.
Nini, if he still cared about you, after snaring him with all that muti and WhatsApp, he would have invited you home where you would have shared his bed. Do you know why he agreed to meet you to a motel? His home remains sacred and he still considers you, or any other woman apart from his wife, as temporary relief whenever there is turmoil in his loins. He could have reconciled with his wife. Or he could have married another woman who is not you, the freedom fighter. Isn’t it said of freedom fighters that they never taste the freedom?
You are a dangerous woman to be in a relationship with any man—married or unma r r i ed—wh o s e faculties are still intact.
Your man, if ever he was yours, has moved on and I would advise you to do likewise. I don’t understand why are you still shackled to a fantasy will all these men walking about looking for lonesome women like you.
Now, let’s cut to the chase. That man was not yours, is not yours and never will he be. I don’t believe you know some American educator called Jess Lair, but I do. BMW knows everyone and everything, after all. In 1969, long before you were born and even longer before you became infatuated with this idea of perfect man, Lair wrote: “If you want something very, very badly, let it go free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, it was never yours to begin with.”
These are words to live by. In the event that you disagree with them, here’s to wishing you terrible nightmares as you fantasise about a man whose trail has grown cold. Ufiti eti?
Big Man Wamkulu
