I have been cheating on my husband for the past four years with a friend and I feel terrible. My man is a good man and cares for me and all my relatives. I do not even know why I got involved with another man. I met the boyfriend let’s call him Dee, through a friend.
At the time I needed someone good to show me affection. So he did. He was very direct and very flirty with me and, against my best instincts I found myself becoming increasingly attracted to him. He is — dare I say cool and handsome than hubby — tall, dark and deep voiced and funnily enough I could not wait anymore for him to make the first move. I actually led him on. We have been sleeping together sometimes once a month, to twice a month now it has become a weekly adventure.
With him, I really felt like the biggest turkey in history. But I realised that I was being an idiot by betraying my husband. I was hoping against hope that he will balance the scale by cheating on me, but he has not. I even once tried to set him up with my beautiful cousin but hubby turned her down.
What should I do for him to cheat so that we are even?
Nyasaka, via WhatsApp, Blantyre
I don’t say this very often but I will: I feel scared for, and of, you. You come off as a potential kabwerebwere for this column and I know we haven’t heard the last of you or your husband. And that’s not a good sign, even to someone as experienced as I am.
But that’s beside the point.
If you are looking for suggestions about to turn a good man to bad, you are in the right place. I will, for good measure, add in my two observations as well and we should start with those.
Scenario One: Your husband probably knows you are cheating on him but he doesn’t mind. It is because he is gay and you are just his front in this homophobic society. Farfetched as it seems, it is not beyond the realm of reality in Malawi or beyond. Take, for instance, Elton John, one of the greatest British musicians. He married Renate Blauel, a female German recording engineer, in 1984. Throughout his marriage until his divorce in 1988, he passed off as a straight man, speculations about his sexuality notwithstanding. In 1988, he decided he had had enough of the charade and puff! He was gone and told everyone he was gay. Since 2014, Elton John has been married to David Furnish with whom he had been in a civil partnership for nine years before that. It’s just a matter of time; your man will come out of the closet. If…
Scenario Two: Your husband knows you are cheating on him, but the reason he hasn’t confronted you is because he is also cheating and he probably thinks you are getting even. All men cheat. The only reason you haven’t caught him is because he’s smart, which is everything you are not. My dear, I can say this with my hand on my heart, you will be caught. Soon!
Now, to the wise suggestion. Beauty, my dear Nyasaka, is not everything. The lad who said ‘beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder’ was not a fool out of his (I know it was a he) depth and time. Men’s conception of beauty varies from one person to another, one age to another, one income to another, one location to another, etc. Some men drool at breasts of a woman. Others want brains. Yet others desire industriousness. The average African man, however, yearns for a woman’s derrière. It’s all beauty manifested in various ways.
Unless you know what sends your husband’s blood racing to his loins, you have no business playing the matchmaker. Your cousin may be beautiful — to you — but that may not be enough for your hubby. It may be too close to home for the game to be right.
What about setting him up with that bitchy friend (we all have one) who may be neither beautiful nor sexy, but who loves throwing herself at men, any man? Set your husband up with one of them. Take them out some place at night and find a very convenient excuse (like rushing home to tuck the children in) to leave them alone, for a very long time. I can guarantee you, in three months time you will be begging him to ditch her.
Looking back at what I have written, I believe I have wasted your time and mine too. The solution is simple, really. What not just give it to him right between the eyes by saying: “Honey, I am cheating on you.” My dear Nyasaka, there’s no better spark to set your husband on a cheating streak than that. Try it. One of my former wives tried it. Look where I am now.
In the larger scheme of things, however, be careful with what you are wishing for. I understand your desire to even the scores, but you must be prepared to match your enthusiasm for justice and equality with the readiness to accept the consequences. Don’t set him on it. Mbuzi ikalawa mchere sigwirika!
Big Man Wamkulu