In love with a man I haven’t met

Big Man Wamkulu,

I am in love with a person woti sitinakumanepo, timayakhulana (we have never met in person, we just talk) on the phone daily. I am 20 years old and he is 35. He says he wants to marry me, what should I do?

It all started in February this year. I was heartbroken and I saw that he had advertised in one of the Sunday newspapers that he was looking for love.

And I saw his number. I wanted to know if it is really possible to find love in the newspaper. So I flashed his number and he called back.

Since then, we have been talking.

But to say the truth, I am afraid because I am not ready to get married and then break someone’s heart because I know how it feels to be dumped.

As a child, my mother taught me the ‘golden rule’: to do unto others what you would love them to do unto you.

I know we all make mistakes and this is my mistake. I cannot change it, but with your help, I can change the result of this mistake. Please help me.

Thoko, Blantyre

Thoko dear,

Take a deep breath. And another one.

From your epistle, I can tell that you are a good person at heart, but you have things mixed up in your mind. So listen to this.

You are in love with your imagination. For one, you confess that you have never met this man.

The Webster dictionary defines love as a “strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties”.

Which means that, to you, he only exists in your mind. You have talked to him and created an image of him in your mind.

Two words stand out in the definition of love—kinship and personal.

Your love affair is neither kinship nor personal.

Your ‘relationship’ (or whatever you might want to call it) is in a state of bliss right now just because the opportunity for conflict is almost non-existent as you only talk on the phone.

But once you meet, you will realise that there are too many physical incompatibilities that would push you away from him. He might be too tall, too short or too fat for your liking.

And not to talk of personality clashes that will certainly arise. And the character flaws that do not manifest in the phone conversations.

I am no pessimist my dear, I’m just a realist that tells it like it is.

And this does look shoddy.

And, are you really serious that you are ready to get married to someone who you have only talked to on the phone? Honestly? How naïve can you be?

You, and your kind, are the people that have watered down the whole essence of marriage.

Marriage is a sacred union, a lifetime commitment to that one person that you want to live your life with. Not some slapdash contract with someone whom you have only talked to on the phone.

And, for goodness sake, the man might even be married! Because, for what reason, except the most absurd, would he not have made an effort to come and meet you?

The logic is really very simple. If the man is really in love with you, as he claims to be, there is not distance that he would not be willing to cover just to come and meet up with you.

To be frank with you, you are in a state of vulnerability due to your recent heartbreak.

What I would advise you is to step back a little, take a break from the man for a week and let this issue swill over your mind for a while. If, after that one week you still feel an urge to go back to him, then maybe, just maybe, you are in love with this faceless man. Just maybe.

Fairytales do happen. And dreams do come true. And love does exist in strange places, even in newspaper columns.

I wish you all the best. I really do.

Big Man Wamkulu