Some people claim that courtship is more relaxing and much more fun than marriage. Others point out that their partners become totally different people once they have tied the knot. Paida Mpaso explores this phenomenon.
Relationship experts argue that the first few years of marriage are beautiful as evidenced by the experiences of many couples that seek counsel. However, as complacency sets in, the relationship becomes dull and dry.
Physical or emotional intimacy remains no longer a priority for either of the partners and there is numbness in the relationship in general.
Late working hours and extensive business tours become a reality. Lack of emotional connectivity hence brings drastic changes in the life of the married men. He wants a bit of pampering and love but because he canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t find it in his wife, he turns to external sources and thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s what makes the whole thing different.
But what is it that makes marriage so different from courtship?
Flora Kapindula* (not her real name), a married woman and mother to seven children, says the defining factor of marriage is the compromise that both partners have to make.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“You are no longer alone and cannot do things anyhow like you used to before tying the knot. As a married person, you have to think of your partner in everything you do. The coin that was two sided becomes one. As God said, the body becomes one,Ã¢â‚¬Â she says.
According to her, dating is about possibilities.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“The fact that you are courting some guy does not mean you will marry him, so automatically, your brain adjusts to that. Because of this, there is a lot of freedom and possibilities in relationships. However, once those vows are taken, reality strikes and things change,Ã¢â‚¬Â she adds.
Chief Kachindamoto of Dedza, says that in the past, people, especially women, were very tolerant of their husbands, which is why cases of break up or divorces never took place.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“We took care of our men and really made them feel special despite the fact that we faced problems within the marriage. You see, a man is a man; he needs understanding and food, and he needs his woman to cook for him and so much more. These things help,Ã¢â‚¬Â she says.
According to her, the time limit for courtship does not really matter, what matters is the chemistry that is between the two. She says that love has its own way of working things out.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“I have heard of men changing colours once they are married, but this simply means that the man does not love you? Even though marriage can wear people out, it does not change the feelings that were once present,Ã¢â‚¬Â she adds.