I am married and I have two sets of twins. I drink a lot but these days I have slowed down on alcohol intake due to economic challenges. So, I am literally at home most of the time because I am broke.
Now my problem is that Her Majesty is very rude. She doesn’t want me to touch her. She is always tired, has a headache or on the rug.
The day she is feeling happy and OK, she sleeps over at church for a night of prayer.
I can’t afford ‘takeaways’ anymore. I am cold, lonely and starving.
Is someone watering her grass?
Jemu via WhatsApp, Balaka
You have four kids but you think like a college freshman. Let me school you. While men cheat because they can, women cheat for justifiable reasons.
Picture this; you wake up at 6am trying to beat the morning traffic to the office. You leave work at 5pm and head straight to the pub to wait out the evening traffic, then stagger home when everybody has gone to bed.
At the pub, you are drawn to a ‘takeaway’ at the counter, whose ample cleavage and curvy bottom sends your blood to a boil. Then you remember that back home, you left a wife whose breasts are flatter than the word itself. You chuckle, make a pass and sleep with the girl.
What you forget is that Her Majesty has a flat ‘dashboard’ because your brats sucked her dry. She made you a father and bestowed honour on you. She made you a man.
You get home past 11pm to find the children and Her Majesty asleep (actually the wife is just pretending, no woman ever falls asleep before her husband safely gets home). That you would expect your long-suffering wife to wake up in the dead of night to warm your food is the height of stupidity.
Then, because you had eaten kanyenya wa galu or chiwaya with the boys, you toy with cold nsima (her way to show you that she still loves you) like someone poking some faeces and head straight to bed. If only you knew how her heart was bleeding?
My friend, there is nothing a woman values more than attention. Deny her that and she will go out to look for it, even if it means bringing an ugly and broke man into your matrimonial bed.
You have been an idiot, you need to beg for her forgiveness!
If your woman is indeed cheating on you, that’s good for her. I will not even play the moral police here; that is for your pastor, because you and your likes deserve this kind of treatment.
From now onwards treat your wife well, pay attention to her. Wash her feet, tuck her in bed and always kiss her goodnight. Cook for her, wash her clothes and clean the house. This my friend is self imposed community service. Being a wise woman that she is, she will notice that you are serving your sentence for the crimes that you have committed over the years you two have been together. Finally, apologise to her unreservedly or else Her Majesty, has the right to deny you sex forever and even cheat on you.
Big Man Wamkulu