Jeffrey punches Mpoto as her Nkhota Kota rots

Abiti Joyce Befu, MG 66, leader of delegation and the Most Excellent Grand Achiever (MEGA 1); Nganga Maigwaigwa, PSC (RTD); the Most Paramount Native Authority Mzee Mandela; Alhajj Jean-Philippe LePoisson and I, the Mohashoi, are still here in Nkhota Kota, once part of the United Republic of Tongaland (URT).  

Today we are here in Dwangwa to watch Malipenga practices as preparations are called here. Most importantly, we are here to console Senior Chief Kanyenda and the Nkhunga Police over the murder of a police officer who died in the line of duty. He was guarding the controversial, some say pre-2019 election rigging, national registration when a man said to mentally belong to another world hit him several times on the head with an iron bar.

Shockingly, instead of stopping the man from Mars from killing the police officer, the people around the registration centre were busy video recording, photographing and WhatsApping the gruesome act.  People seem to be ultra-excited with the desire to communicate and be the first to break the news but let them know that in journalism, there is a cardinal oath that between breaking the news and saving human life, preference should go to saving human life. MACRA, our MACRA, has a heavy duty to ensure some morality and umunthu reign in Malawi’s social media communication.

May the soul of Sub-Inspector Rodgers Kastomu rest in peace and God comfort his family, workmates, colleagues and friends. However, we hereby move that all the people that witnessed the murder be charged with facilitating the death of a uniformed police officer on national duty. 

Over the past week, we toured the length and width of this beautiful, agriculturally productive and culturally cosmopolitan district. Nkhota Kota never stops surprising us despite having been here several times before.  We have been to the Nkhota Kota Wildlife Reserve not to see lions, crocodiles and elephants but to inspect the great ‘industrial tobacco’ cultivations there.

“Does Greselder Jeffrey really come from Nkhota Kota?” Nganga asked as we sat down at the depleted Dwangwa Peoples Shop to take some cold drinks.

“Who is Greselder Jeffrey?” Jean-Philippe asked.

“The DPP secretary general, poached from a political abyss,” Abiti answered.

“It is surprising that she is busy fighting to make people of Mpoto look small, miniscule, stupid, useless, negligible, and inconsequential, while her home district is probably the most neglected and stagnating places in Malawi. Mpoto has become her political punching bag yet her own home is rotting,” Nganga explained.

“Rotting?” Abiti asked.

“You see,” said Mzee Mandela, “Nkhota Kota has some of the worst roads and the narrowest bridges in the world but Miss Jeffrey does not bother about all that. The Nkhota Kota jetty has been in a state of disrepair since Bakili Muluzi and the UDF ignored its maintenance. The bridge at Jalawe in Rumphi was washed away during the heavy rains this year but already a new bridge has been planted there and the temporary bridge the army erected there will no longer be needed. Miss Jeffrey is satisfied with fighting Mpoto yet the Chia Bridge is collapsing. 

“There are two makeshift military bridges between Benga and Chia that have been there for more than 15 years but Miss Greselder Jeffrey elects to fight Mpoto. Instead of courting development to her district and her constituency, Miss Jeffrey is satisfied with punching and ridiculing Mpoto,” I added.

“Actually she seems to be fighting her own party president’s public utterances that Malawians should see themselves as one and fight to develop their country together,” Abiti said.

“By the way, who elected her to that position?” Jean-Philippe asked.

“Elected? She was just appointed by the party’s sole appointing authority,” I answered.

“Then she is dressed in borrowed body armour with sawdust padding,” Jean-Philippe said.

“Nkhota Kota has produced a vice-president, a speaker of Parliament and a vice-presidential candidate, several cabinet ministers and a director of public prosecution but why Nkhota Kota in such state of underdevelopment?” Abiti inquired.

“In short, does an area need to produce a president to develop?”Jean-Philippe asked slyly.

“No comment,” I commented.