Kansiime beats own record

The first time she was in Malawi, in May 2014, Ugandan queen of comedy Annie Kansiime pulled a record audience at the Bingu International Convention Centre (Bicc) in Lilongwe, with scores of patrons forced to watch the show while standing after the venue was filled to capacity.

That is how irresistible the 29-year-old thespian is, such that her second coming garnered much more patrons than her debut performance in Malawi.

Armed with a different script, the comedian returned to a familiar venue on Saturday and cracked the ribs of all who turned up for her show as her thrilling performance left the audience yearning for more as she hit them with wave after wave of comic relief.

Her compatriot Cotilda Inapo, who doubles as Kansiime’s creative director, opened the show with her multitudinous variety of jokes.

Also showing his skills on the night was local comedian Nicholas Mbonela with his Nancy vs Che Nkope, skit.

In the recorded performance, the enigmatic lady threatens to undress, just like a legislator recently did—a jibe at Bon Kalindo’s recent ‘naked’ demonstration against albino abductions and killings.

And then it was Kansiime time.

With heels in her hands, she danced to the stage.

“So,” she started, the audience already in giggles: “This is me. This is it.”

“Malawi, I missed you. I was in trouble as I couldn’t stop talking about Malawi and my husband was asking if it is a code name for some ka boy I am seeing.”

The onslaught had begun and women were the first victims.

She said: “Malawian women, the last time I came here you had nothing, but now your behinds have grown bigger and harder, but they are not shaking,” she said, looking seriously disturbed.

She turned emotional when a member of the audience screamed some words in Luganda, Uganda’s main language.

Kansiime could not help it, as she jumped off the stage and rushed to the woman, hugging her with incessant incantations from her mouth.

“This is the first time I have seen a Ugandan seated in front of me in a foreign country. Makes me wonder are they long sighted?” she joked about her magical moment before continuing with her business of the day.

Kalindo’s stunts were once again on the receiving end, but this time Kansiime all the way.

“Let’s love albinos, they didn’t decide to be like that, they are just like us. We need to clap for Bon Kalindo. That was good, the only problem was just how he conducted the demos. He showed up semi-dressed instead of being naked.

“But I think it’s the wife. She must have told him, go and show what’s yours and please hide mine. Bon, I wish you were here. God bless that man. But everybody needs a friend like Bon. They will strip for everything and at the end of it, you don’t have private parts.”

Kansiime then turned her attention to the pressures that come for married couples to have children as soon as they tie the knot. She joked about her experience.

“I have been married to Ojok and we are going into our fourth year and we are trying to be pregnant. The problem is that we are receiving advice from all over the place. He goes to his friends and they tell him, women want you to take it slow, nice and easy and this side, my friends are telling me, mama, quick, quickie.

“Some by the time we meet in our stadium, I am telling you what happens there is like war. He is coming like the Pirates of the Caribbean and I looking like Nicki Minaj and I am telling you, our gymnastic sessions have become very complicated, extremely,” she jested.

Returning from her break, the comedian was back with her last dosage of rib crackers.

She continued with her experience when it comes to making babies.

“You have these aunties, to whom you are sent to learn manners, marriage life and all. I was sent to my aunt to teach me on how to get pregnant quickly. She gave me traditional advice, five tender leafs from a guava tree and put them in my right cheek and warm water with rock salt in my left cheek. I want you to listen carefully and see if the advice makes sense.

“On top of that, she told me that I whistle three times, try it. Some of you are useless you can’t whistle with nothing in your mouth. Again, she said I should do this while my husband is around. She said I should run round my house two times chanting Ojok you are joking. For starters, how do I get pregnant with things in my mouth? And if you are a man you hear those chants, is that marriage still on?”

She took time to praise her mother for being a non-performing comedian who inspires her every day.

“She is a prayer warrior and qualified to be God’s secretary. When my mother is praying, you just know the devil is not going to be in Uganda that night,” with that, she mimicked how her mother conducted her prayer session, leaving the audience in stitches.

She also spoke of the poverty that surrounded her as she grew up.

“I grew up in a one-roomed house, that one room just separated by a curtain to have a bedroom and a lounge. We couldn’t eat on the dining table because there was no space and it meant the table will choke your neck. But despite all that I am here,” she said as the audience applauded her.

The comedian proved that she can sing after she performed a number in honour of her home village. She was joined on stage by Salama Crew from Dzaleka Refugee Camp and the Ugandan woman, Pamela Ayebare who works with Millennium Challenge Account (MCA) Malawi, in performing a traditional dance before she took a bow amid loud murmurs of protest.