Learning to love the one you’re with

Ever heard of the popular saying ‘If you can’t be with the one you love, learn to love the one you’re with?’ Sometimes people get into relationships because they feel a sense of security, not necessarily out of love. So, just how do you teach yourself to fall in love with this person? As Valentine’s Day draws closer, Mwereti Kanjo gets to the crux of the matter.

When Patricia (not her real name) first met her husband Simon eight years ago in college, she was convinced she had met her true love because they had so much in common. But as time went by, she begun to realise that she never really cared for him.

It was his kindness, understanding, support and love for her that made her stay with him.  Before she knew it, she was married to a man she did not love. Stories about the heartaches experienced in other marriages were enough to convince her that all she needed was security. She had hoped that with time, she would bring herself to love this man like he loved her. Three years into the marriage, she is still where she started.

She asks if there is hope of ever loving this man and if there is any, where does she begin?

Newspaper columnist on love and relationships Memory Manjombe says love is not inborn but a learnt emotion. As a result, it is possible to learn to love someone. However, the first thing to do is to have a positive mindset that will allow you to appreciate everything your partner does for you.

“Marriage and love are very complex. In a marriage, two people with different backgrounds have come together to live as one. It is important to let go of the past and try to make your life together without comparison of how you were treated in your family’s house. Do not compare your relationship with a friend’s because behind closed doors, you do not know what goes on. Hold on to your partner and learn to appreciate the little things that they do. It starts with realising that you are a lucky person. You need to be satisfied with what you have,” she said.

Manjombe adds that God’s presence must not be taken out of the equation. According to her, every family starts with God and when He is at the centre of it all, everything else comes easy.

Marriage counsellor Randy Gombwa says by virtue of the fact that you are married to someone, you must have loved them at one point. The question then becomes how to love again. According to him, the important thing is for you to be satisfied with your partner.

“Some people give attention to other men and women. Because of this, they have divided attention and start to compare their new relationship with their partner. This is bound to bring problems. It is also important to keep telling your partner that you love them. Women especially are insecure and need to be told again and again that they are loved. Hold your partner, live like you used to in the early days and you will remember why you once loved that person,” he advises.

However, Gombwa points out that people will stop loving their partner for different reasons such as lack of trust, monetary disagreements and holding on to grudges. It is only after these problems are worked over that one can love again.