Leave the verbal abuse behind

Abuse in marriages comes in different forms —verbal, physical and emotional. A lot of attention has been given to the physical abuse, but others will agree that the pain caused by verbal abuse is just as hurtful. How can you survive a verbally abusive relationship? Mwereti Kanjo spoke to experts and this is what they shared.

Verbal abuse in any relationship can be very destructive. Sometimes words that hurt may come as a reflex response to something that someone says. But, when it becomes a regular thing in a marriage, chances are it will cause problems.

By state of nature, women have a constant need to hear words of appreciation and flattery.

Existing literature has shown that some people who verbally abuse others have no idea that they hurt others with their words. It is also true that most women will keep their hurts within them.

Life Coach Iyanla Vanzant advises getting rid of past hurts to lead a better life.

“You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.”

Columnist Memory Manjombe advises  women who are in a verbally abusive marriage to settle for dialogue as a solution. According to her, if a man is not told about his habits, it is very unlikely that he will change.

However, Manjombe says approach to the dialogue matters. She says the best time to talk about this it is when a man is well rested, preferably on weekends. Other than that, a wife must always start the conversation with something positive, like thanking the spouse for his love and care, to kill chances of possible rage.

“This is a situation where communication is very important. If you do not tell your husband about his habits he will not change. When talking to him it is important that the woman does not come out with accusations. Let him know that you appreciate everything he does but you would appreciate more if he spoke to you gently.

“It is the duty of a husband to love his wife and the duty of a wife to obey her husband. I am saying this because the rude words could be as a result of either spouse failing to fulfill their duty. A husband may not be getting the respect he hoped for and a wife might be rude because they are not loved enough. All this the answer is communication. Where this fails consult a family member,” said Manjombe.

Family counselor, Constance Masamba agrees with Manjombe that sometimes it can be difficult for a woman to deal with the situation alone. According to Masamba, a third party must be consulted to sit down with the husband and let him know that his words cause emotional pain to the wife.

“A woman in this situation needs to be helped. She cannot do it alone. Words are just as good as a blow because they can kill someone’s soul. Without a soul one feels worthless, discouraged and they live life without any true purpose.

“The third party must make this clear to the husband that if he continues he is going to have a low esteemed wife who will never have a positive outlook to anything,” said Mapemba.

Marriage is about love and appreciation. It will do any couple more good than harm to share words of appreciation every day. Tell her she looks beautiful and mean it.