Letter to US President, Ngwazi Donald John Trump

Our leader of delegation and expedition Abiti Joyce Befu, popularly also known as MG 66; the Most Paramount Native Authority Mzee Mandela; Alhajj Mufti Jean-Philippe LePoisson, SC (RTD) and I, Malawi’s only Mohashoi, are  here in Thyolo to fulfill a number of engagements, to use a decaying political cliché.  Those engagements start hic et nunc, here and now.

Our diary is full and we are likely to be in this part of the Republic of Lhomweland, which, interestingly is headed by a Maseko Ngoni, for the whole month. So stick around and join us in our expedition to Bvumbwe Research Station; Friday Nikoloma’s home near Molele, the home of bananas, Malawi’s sweet bananas; and Goliati, the town centre where no political party in opposition to the ruling party of this area, dares go.

Recall? During the 2014 election campaign, President Joyce Banda’s convoy was pelted, and her meeting disrupted or something closer to that  and Atupele  Ung’onoung’ono was forced to stop on the roadside to pave way, supplicate  and praise the very people his party claimed to work to defeat. From that day and act, we knew the United Defeated Family (UDF) had no future beyond Mangochi and Machinga.

Because we have nothing and no one to hide, we can reveal where we can be found during this, our four week sojourn. We are lodged at Game Haven from  where we write this letter to Fuhrer Donald John Trump, 45th President of the United States of America.

“Herr Fuhrer,

“It might surprise you and perhaps irk your ministers, secretaries as you call them that side, and particularly your loyal White House press secretary that we write to you directly without passing through the Department of State and address you as Fuhrer.

“Well, Fuhrer is German for strong leader. The equivalents of it in Malawi are titles like Ngwazi and Kalonga. We actually plan to invite you to visit Malawi soonest so we can knight you Ngwazi.  Fuhrer sounds as repugnant as dictator today but in the remote past, these terms meant a leader who, like Shaka Zulu,  exuded real-power, toughness, and stuck to his vision and plans for his estate and nation.

“We write to congratulate you on being elected against all odds, fake polls and fake news that showed that you stood no chance against experienced and internationally acknowledged politicians.  To be honest we also supported the other candidates until when we discovered that the other candidates had too much to hide from the world and too little to show that they would Make America Great Again and make aid to Malawi more again.

“Unlike addicted soccer fans, we only supported you morally and spiritually knowing full well that Americans were electing their president and that the president of America is not necessarily the president of the world. Some of your previous presidents were obsessed with internationalism and forgot to work for their country, first. This is why the forgotten Americans decided to do away with establishment candidates and opted for you.

“Some Malawians, Americans, Europeans, and South Africans to mention just those argued as they watched the election campaigns that because of your careless and demeaning talk about women, your failure to declare your tax returns and other small issues, you were not fit to hold the highest office in America. We, the Bottom Up expedition, disagreed with that assessment.

“Despite our elation about your win and eventual ascendancy to the White House, we would be happier to see you slow down somehow on the use of Executive Orders. Fuhrer, Ngwazi, Kalonga Trump, we are aware that your predecessors abused the Executive Orders, but you should try to be different and unique. Ordering all people from a specific religion and region of the world against entering the United States of America may be misinterpreted as religious persecution and racism akin to Fuhrer Adolf Hilter’s Anti-Semitism.

“In Malawi we rarely end an address, speech, prayer, letter and, even, brief welcoming remarks to a powerful person like you Ngwazi without begging.

“So, to continue with that begging tradition, we wish to ask you to change your mind about building the perimeter wall between your country and Mexico. Instead, help us build a wall to seal off our lake from our aggressive and grabby north eastern neighbours.

“Alternatively, give the money meant for the Mexican wall to us, Malawians, so that some of our elected leaders should have something to steal. Otherwise, at the rate the stealing is going, these leaders may end up stealing even our heath stones!

“Ngwazi, Fuhrer, Kalonga Donald John Trump, thanks for sparing a moment to read this epistle. You may answer through twitter where we follow you.

“Warm regards from the hitherto warm heart of Africa.” n