Welcome. This is Malawi. This is 2015. We are happy that you are happy. We wish well in this year, we you, our fellow exploited, overtaxed and never appreciated citizens of this great federal republic.
We are still in the Kingdom of Mzimba. We are still around here. We left Edundu, went to Emvwiyeni before settling down near Inkosi Mtwalo’s headquarters at Ezondweni. As respectful Malawians, we have already been to his stately home to pay our courtesies before getting down to do what all genuine Ngoni men and women. Drink. Eat. Swear. And…. you know the rest. If you have forgotten, listen to Lucius Banda’s music.
As, we, Sheikh Jean-Philippe LePoisson, Native Authority Mandela, Abiti Joyce Befu also known as MG 66, our State House informant, Innocett Mawayawaya, and I drank, ate and swore, we started planning our diary for 2015. We took advantage of the presence of Ezondweanians at the open air drinking joint to beef up our list of intentions for 2015.
We agreed that in addition to the things we do and have done a week before our great president (ka)Ngwazi Bingu wa Mutharika, died in 2012, we should work on issues that affect Malawians most. We have agreed to deal with all the corruption, kuba, kwiba, kusolola, scandals and other acts of malfeasance.
Cashgate and its subsidiaries will top our list. The current Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP) says she wants to be remembered as one DPP who brought back confidence to investors and donors by punishing all cashgate cases. Our job will be similar. We will be reminding her, throughout the year, that Cashgate started way back and that Bakili Muluzi, Bingu wa Mutharika and Joyce Banda have some stories and explanations to give for allowing Cashgate to during their time in power. Mrs Kachale will be reminded that several predecessor DPPs have failed to prosecute Bakili Muluzi. If she succeeds in getting Muluzi to court or start investigating how Bingu wa Mutharika made his money to build his Casa Blanca at Ndata, we will applaud her. Otherwise, were we Bushitians, we would have declared without fear of contradiction, that Mrs Kachale is a dreamer because, according to our great late president no DPP can be independent of the appointing authorities, his or her relatives and friends.
Second. Tractorgate. Our great president bought us 177 farm tractors and 144 maize shellers. We have looked for them all over Makawi. We have located three shellers and four tractors only. So, you know why this our second most serious task in 2015. We will search until they are found. We will search in farms in Thyolo, Chiradzulu, Phalombe, Edingeni, and of course, Chinthechi.
Alongside Tractorgate, we will track the hospital drug networks and NAC fund looters. We will not sleep until we know what happened to the money from sales of presidential jets bought by Dr Banda but sold by Bingu wa Mutharika, so we hear, and the latest bought by Bingu but sold by Mrs Banda, so we understand.
We will also try to understand what really happened to the management of elections in Malawi? How could an organisation meant to ensure the fairness and transparency of elections fight to support one candidate and ignore the cry of the majority. Electoral fraud starts with accreditation of monitoring organisations and reporting of census data. If voter data is left unchecked, an election is likely to be stolen or manipulated.
Third. Executive absentia. A number of events sad events now hammering the federal Republic of Malawi would have been avoided if the President, Vice-President and the Cabinet were not busy slumbering and nursing their midnight electoral hangover. Thanks to us; to this bottom up expedition, we know we still have the presidency although VP Klaus Chilima seems to have been reduced to funeral attendant and head of government mourners. He was in Zambia to mourn with Zambians; he has been to almost every funeral in the country and, we can assure you, he will be at the next funeral. We are not sure if this is part of governing the country.
Finally, we agreed to investigate ourselves. What role do we, bottom-rung citizens play in our impoverishment?