Make the most of your endings

Losing anything, a loved one, a home, a friend or a job is never easy. The healing process is different from person to person but without a doubt there is pain for everyone. Mwereti Kanjo sources sociologist and life coach’s Martha Beck’s five steps to healing.

Any kind of ending can leave us feeling deserted as if our lives have gone barren and dry. It doesn’t take moving, divorce, or a loved one’s death; we can feel bereaved when a friendship wanes, or our knees get too creaky for racquetball, or we quit a bad habit. Here’s how to cope:

Relax into ending

Though the concept of letting go sounds great, it’s a delicate art. You can’t successfully try to let something go, because trying is at odds with releasing. Fortunately, our subconscious minds already know what to do, if our conscious minds are willing to suggest doing it. Right now, consider something in your life that’s ending (this might be all you think about, or you may have to ponder a bit, but you’ll find something, trust me).

As you hold this fading thing in your mind’s eye, inhale while silently repeating the phrase, Let it happen. When you exhale, think, let it go. Keep at this for several minutes. When you feel emotions like sadness or anger begins to flow, you’ll know it is working.

Practice this meditation consistently and you can strip most of the trauma and drama right out of your world.

Focus on a present happiness

Even during difficult times, there are things that bring you joy, or at least gratitude. Once you’re in the receptive state of letting go, think of your greatest current source of comfort or happiness—a loved one, your job, your innate determination, the stash of See’s Nuts & Chews hidden in your sock drawer. Whatever it is, write it down now.

Recall an event that ushered in this happiness

With your treasured prize in mind, think back to an event that helped bring it into your life. Maybe you met your spouse while jogging, or learned your trade in a terrific class, or nabbed your great apartment by seducing the building manager. Record this event now.

Keep tracing casual events until you find an unhappy one

Each source of joy has a “family tree” of progenitor events that get more plentiful the further back you look (just as you have two parents, four grandparents, eight great-grandparents, and so on). Keep tracing the chain of events that led to your greatest current happiness until you run across one that seemed painful or ugly when it happened.

Once you’ve traced the ancestry of your greatest happiness back to a painful event (I guarantee you can), you’ll see that the pain involved an ending—the end of innocence, or freedom, of a life, of a love. Write down the name of that ending.

Notice and nurture the happy children of your unhappy ending

Now, list five things arising from a recent ending that bring you even tiny bits of positive feeling. Maybe losing your job lets you sleep in, or your boyfriend’s departure replaced arguments with peace. See what you can find.