Honestly, you are dope and a guy who knows the way to a reader’s heart. I salute you.
Here is my problem. I’ve gotten used to being invisible. At night I go out almost as pretty as I may appear in pictures that I post on social media and as I watch people drinking, flirting, exchanging numbers and agreeing to meet up soon, I feel a strange loss of corporeality when my self-possessed smiles and quick rejoinders are met with nervous laughter and clumsy goodbyes as men begin to look through and beyond me at something simpler and intrinsically sexier.
For me this is nothing new. I’m a 35-year-old independent woman and I’ve never been asked out on a date or for my number in any way that would suggest the slightest view towards twin tombstones. My friends tell me it’s because I’m too intimidating when reduced to a bullet point list.
I’m passably pretty with a nice booty. I have a great job. I’m affable, educated and articulate. I live in Area 10 and my sexual reputation is squeaky clean and I’ve recently taken a shine to flying across the world to explore and do things some wrecks in my yard only dream about.
Even more repulsive is the fact that I speak a little too well, white, meaningfully and much. Couple this with the ability to afford my own hair, home and gambols across the globe and the reality is that while I’m obviously “a catch,” I’m also the least desirable fish in the sea.
What should I do?
Area 10 Babe, via WhatsApp, Lilongwe
Dearest Area 10 Babe,
What nonsense is this? Men find you intimidating? Like really? If you’re a successful woman, there’s something you need to know. Your career accomplishments aren’t all that a man is looking for.
A man does not fall in love with a degree from a foreign university, big salary or an impressive job title. He falls in love with a woman; her whole package of nice-rounded boobs and onion booty!
A man is also emotionally attracted to a woman when he sees something special in her personality—decorum to be specific, and suddenly recognises her as unique. As we know all that glitters is not gold!
Some men, of course, do not date successful women because they lack personality. Speaking a little too well, white, meaningfully and much does not equal intelligence.
You see my lords, my lady, I once dated an accomplished woman but we could not have a meaningful conversation, as she always lapsed into her research where she is trying to understand the correlation between CD4+T-cell depletion and immunopathogenesis, and its relationship with disease progression.
Even my friends started avoiding me. Can you believe she would always introduce herself as Dr. Blablabla or how she is Professor Blablabla at 24, each time we met new people. It only lasted for three months as I could not stomach it anymore.
My lords, my lady, for a woman to attract a man, she must also put in some effort. The greatest mistake this Area 10 Babe and her likes make is they dress up like crap—always looking like Margret Thatcher or Chancellor Angel Merkel. They show up in public wearing flowing skirts with unshaved armpits and wigs made from hell. Oh, boy, who can approach you looking like that?
I have seen many women who ditch their miniskirts for some multi-coloured spandex, after a first degree. They say a mini or revealing skirt is for prostitutes. Girl, think again! We men love the mini.
To me, BMW, a woman must always look good even when she is going to the bathroom in the morning (you know what I mean). She has no excuse. You never know when you will meet the man of your dreams.
When it comes to love matters, it’s all about impression, you can agree or disagree.
Big Man Wamkulu
NOTE: You can now send your problems to BMW via WhatsApp number: +265 998-110-975. No calls please!