Moving on from a break-up

Last week, we looked at steps to follow in the healing process after a break-up. While some people may heal after following the provided steps (in the first series) others are kept back by denial, jealousy or are still in-love with their ex-partner. If you fall in this category, how do you move on? MWERETI KANJO gets more information from Psychologist Sandra Mapemba on this.

According to Mapemba, jealousy, denial and other emotions are part of the emotional crisis one experiences; and in order to move beyond these personal hedges or roadblocks you have created for yourself, you have to face the reality, grow, learn and not live in the past.

She says in times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity to grow and learn. Just because you are feeling emptiness in your life at the moment, does not mean that nothing is happening or that things will never change. Consider this period a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger.

In order to fully accept a break-up and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledge the part you played. It’s important to understand how the choices you made affected the relationship. Learning from your mistakes is the key to not repeating them. For this, Mapemba provides the following steps:Take some responsibility.Don’t play the victim.Work on you.Re-focus your life. 

This step is the hardest because it forces us to admit the relationship is completely over. Sit down and make a new list of priorities – without the ex – and figure out what is important to you. Give precedence to your family, friends, career and yourself. Find ways to fill that time left void by him and try new things.

Push for that promotion, reconnect with old friends and take a mini-vacation with your mother or sister. Whatever it is, just count him out. One of the worst mistakes women make after a bad break-up is letting themselves go physically, mentally, emotionally – or all of the above. Women tend to break down and spend too much time in wallowing. Now wallowing is good – even needed – for a certain period of time.

But after the initial break-up shock has worn off, women need to get off the couch and take care of themselves. Living well is the best revenge! Women always tend to be helpless and wounded when it comes to relationships. Remember that it is good to get sympathy and this often feels nice when one is lost and lonely, but it only makes someone that much more vulnerable. Be strong and positive.

This is easier said than done of course, but the stronger-willed you can be, the less likely one can make bad decisions and be taken advantage of by the hard-to-resist rebound.Women tend to either blame the break-up on themselves or entirely on him, and neither really gets anyone anywhere.

Step back and look at the big picture. Some questions to help with this are: How did I contribute to the problems of the relationship? Think about how you react, stress and deal with conflict and insecurities.

Could I act in a more constructive way? Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be. Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Am I in control of my feelings, or are my emotions in control of me?