My boyfriend stinks like a dumpsite

Dear Big Man,

I do not know if my letter fits into any category of problems that you are comfortable to solve. But it is a very personal problem that needs to be solved and resolved quickly because I can’t take it anymore.

I am in love with a 28-year-old woman. I love him although he cheats and drinks like a fish. Anyway, all men cheat, so, I really do not care. But what pisses me off is that this man stinks like a dumpsite.

When he was pursuing me, I tried all I could to reject him because I might have sensed some lack of hygiene in him, but I later decided to give him a chance. How wrong I was.

This man stinks as if he is dead—his mouth, shoes, socks, underwear, balls and armpits smell like fish. I dread his visits, kisses and advance for sex.

Save me, what should I do?

CS, Chibanja, Mzuzu.

Dearest CS,

My sister you are not the first woman to complain that your man has the most smelly balls, and I think it’s high time we stopped condoning unhygienic behaviour from men, just because they are men.

Whoever coined the adage: Mwamuna azinunkha must have been high on some stuff from Nkhotakota! I know that most of us men grew up being told that boys and men have a propensity for sloppiness and are naturally filthy; that we should reek of stale sweat, ignore washing dirty dishes in the sink and mopping our rooms, that it is okay to smell like a toilet. What nonsense!

Boys, times have changed. Times that a man’s room should be a mess like Aleppo or Baghdad are long gone. Filth is no longer sexy! These days you cannot get away with these little offences. Brushing your teeth, showering and flossing daily should not be optional.

My sisters, lend me your ears. If your man lays down on the couch all day in dirty underwear playing video games. Dump him. If he laughs off some basic hygiene rules like washing his hands after taking a dump, divorce him. If for him shaving his balls and armpits is a nightmarish chore, shave him in his sleep.

Don’t get me wrong ladies, but it’s high time women should start demanding that the men in their lives pick up themselves. Whether it is your son, brother or significant other, you are not doing him a favour by flushing his poop, wiping his pee on the toilet seat, picking up his dirty boxers and socks from the floor. You are just encouraging him to continue being a filthy pig! Those that carry the smell for no fault of their own better seek medical help.

Ndanena, ndanenanso.

Big Man Wamkulu