My girlfriends are hitting on me

Dear Biggie,

I am a female college student studying soil science. My problem is that it seems I attract the wrong crowd due to my looks. I am not being mean to average-looking Malawian girls, but BMW I am too beautiful.

For you to get the picture, I am light-skinned, tall with an hour-glass figure, onion booty, and melons! I look after myself and I really look good.

When I was in high school, several girls were hitting on me, but I laughed it off and thought it was the usual silly stuff that young girls do when hormones are messing with their brains and body.

Of course, sometimes we would touch each other here and there. Don’t go berserk BMW, girls in boarding school do this all the time.

After joining college, last year, I thought we were all grown-ups and should move on with life. But one of the girls can’t let go of me.

Last month, I found her in my room, lying on my bed, totally naked. She pleaded with me to do things to her and she promised me that she will ‘eat me, inside out’ (to use her exact words). Biggie I was shocked and did not know what to do, so I left college for a week.

As if that were not enough, I got a text from another girl who said she was missing me and dying to see me. She declared undying love for me and looking forward to kissing me!

Biggie, I am already struggling to fend off men who are always on my case and I can’t blame them because wherever I go, I do turn heads. But, should I be turning on women too? What kind of world are we living in? Is it a crime to be beautiful?

 I love men and I am not gay. What should I do?

Zahra,

Lilongwe

Dearest Zahra,

You are not safe and, my dear, it is a crime to be beautiful, especially if you live in a third world country such as ours where ‘hyaenas’ are on the prowl.

I can only assure you that yours is not a difficult situation. You turn heads, people love you, they show you affection; praise God for the gift you have.

For I know of girls who turn heads the wrong way. No man looks at them twice, let alone their fellow women.

There are women out there dying to have a relationship. Let alone a sexual one. Women, who are like showroom cars, viewed but never test-driven.

There are women out there who have no idea what we are talking about here because they have never been eaten out by a man, let alone a woman.

Yet, here we are talking about you turning down offers. Woman, you are ungrateful! You, indeed, deserve to be ‘eaten, inside out’ (pun intended).

I can only end by saying: Okongola sanyada!

Epilogue

One reader asked me this week: “SC? Did I miss something?” Well, make no mistake; Biggie has been honoured with the title of Senior Counsellor by fellow counsellors. So, from now on I will wear this title on my sleeve. Thanks for writing BMW, madam.

Please keep those emails and letters coming. BMW thoroughly enjoys the interaction.

So, if you are a social animal like Biggie, hit the like button on Facebook and Twitter and let’s keep the love rolling.

BMW loves you all (especially you ladies). n