I’ve been with my husband for over seven years and married a couple of years ago, we have two children. A year into our marriage, I caught him looking at the maid…you know like he wants to chew her.
When I asked if he fancies her, he refused to have any lust for her. Of course, I fired the maid.
But since then, I have been very alert and always give him an eye when I see him drooling at other women, either when we are driving around town or when we are just together at the supermarket or church.
However, my suspicions that my clown is a cheat were confirmed when I found that he has been texting another woman—his workmate. I confronted him, but he dismissed it as banter—they only share office gossip.
Although I was distraught and we nearly broke up, I forgave him and we moved on. However, this has been a repeated pattern.
Last week, I saw messages with sexual content on his WhatsApp. They were texts from my older sister who he fondly calls ‘akazanga akulu’. Same as before I confronted him and he said it was all just banter — nothing serious.
I was and am angry with him that he is playing games with me and I don’t know what to do. I love this man with every piece of me and I thought he felt the same way, so why is he doing this to me?
Biggie, how do I cope with this nonsense?
Akazi aang’ono, Via WhatsApp, Area 25
Dear Akazi Aang’ono,
I am not surprised by how upset you are about your husband’s behaviour. And lots of people find themselves snapping at everyone and fearing the worst after an experience like yours.
But despite that, it’s still a good idea to try to improve your ability to cope with setbacks. Especially if you’re naturally rather sensitive to life’s problems.
Basically, that’s all about improving your emotional resilience. Fortunately that’s not something you either possess or you don’t. It’s actually a set of skills you can work on.
Because while you can’t control every event that happens in your life, you can find better ways to respond to them. And that makes a big difference to how your life will turn out.
So, start observing your emotions, rather than letting them overwhelm you.
Build on your belief that you’ll always be able to cope, but in future see crises as challenges to overcome, not the end of the world.
Accept that problems are just a normal a part of life, become more action-oriented, and never ever give up.
I say so because neither yours nor your neighbour’s man will stop to drool and flirt with other women. Men are dogs!
I can tell you with my hand on my chest that you’ll recover more quickly from your husband’s behaviour if you focus on asking why it occurred at all, instead of just blaming him. Including the possibility that you may have contributed to what happened, by taking him for granted for example.
So, don’t get cranky over some texts. Love him, get enough sleep and live your life. Even when you’re hugely stressed, keep following your familiar routines and get the ordinary tasks of the day done, because boys, will always be boys!
Mukapusa akulandani mwamunayo.
Big Man Wamkulu