My man is a porn addict

Dear Biggie,

I think my boyfriend is a porn addict. I made a mistake of hacking his accounts on his laptop and phone. What I have seen, Biggie, this man is more evil than Donald Trump.

His laptop is full of adult movies. The websites he visits are all dirty sites. Even the groups he is in on WhatsApp are all ‘rotten’ groups with members sharing the most obscene videos and pictures.

I also watch porn, but my problem with him is that he is watching this adult material alone. I am a law graduate, open-minded and I think the best way is for us to watch these movies together as a couple.

Am I infringing on his right to porn?

Wife-to-be,

Lilongwe

Dear Wife-to-be,

According to Cosmopolitan magazine, watching porn together can be a great way to spice up your sex life. However, Biggie, never finds watching pornography an interesting experience, with all the torture and blue balls that come with it. I like doing the real stuff, so I may not be the best to give advice on this one. I also do not think watching the material together will have a different outcome.

But Biggie is Biggie, so men out there lend me your ears. If my MG1 or MG2 wanted to watch those steamy hot flicks with me, I would let  them pick the video’s because I know that when it’s my turn to find a 30-minute Internet clip I will be judged based on my selection. We all hate to be judged, right?

So my pick will be a movie where the featured performer is as dark as my better half or have smaller boobs. In fact, I will pick a movie in which performers look exactly like her. Otherwise, I run the risk of provoking: “Oh so that’s what you really want to see? Some Asian girl with big tits?” Which, of course, is exactly what I wanted to see. But the bottom line is stay away from porn guys, men in your lives are hurting!

Kaya mwamva?

BMW

My boyfriend stinks like a dumpsite

Dear Big Man,

I do not know if my letter fits into any category of problems that you are comfortable to solve. But it is a very personal problem that needs to be solved and resolved quickly because I can’t take it anymore.

I am in love with a 28-year-old woman. I love him although he cheats and drinks like a fish. Anyway, all men cheat, so, I really do not care. But what pisses me off is that this man stinks like a dumpsite.

When he was pursuing me, I tried all I could to reject him because I might have sensed some lack of hygiene in him, but I later decided to give him a chance. How wrong I was.

This man stinks as if he is dead—his mouth, shoes, socks, underwear, balls and armpits smell like fish. I dread his visits, kisses and advance for sex.

Save me, what should I do?

CS, Chibanja, Mzuzu.

Dearest CS,

My sister you are not the first woman to complain that your man has the most smelly balls, and I think it’s high time we stopped condoning unhygienic behaviour from men, just because they are men.

Whoever coined the adage: Mwamuna azinunkha must have been high on some stuff from Nkhotakota! I know that most of us men grew up being told that boys and men have a propensity for sloppiness and are naturally filthy; that we should reek of stale sweat, ignore washing dirty dishes in the sink and mopping our rooms, that it is okay to smell like a toilet. What nonsense!

Boys, times have changed. Times that a man’s room should be a mess like Aleppo or Baghdad are long gone. Filth is no longer sexy! These days you cannot get away with these little offences. Brushing your teeth, showering and flossing daily should not be optional.

My sisters, lend me your ears. If your man lays down on the couch all day in dirty underwear playing video games. Dump him. If he laughs off some basic hygiene rules like washing his hands after taking a dump, divorce him. If for him shaving his balls and armpits is a nightmarish chore, shave him in his sleep.

Don’t get me wrong ladies, but it’s high time women should start demanding that the men in their lives pick up themselves. Whether it is your son, brother or significant other, you are not doing him a favour by flushing his poop, wiping his pee on the toilet seat, picking up his dirty boxers and socks from the floor. You are just encouraging him to continue being a filthy pig! Those that carry the smell for no fault of their own better seek medical help.

Ndanena, ndanenanso.

Big Man Wamkulu