My man wants a kid out of wedlock

Hello BMW,

There is a problem I have been dying to solve but I guess with your help I can. I am 28 and have a boyfriend whom we have been dating for two years. He is now living in South Africa where he is working.

Everything was going on well until the day he came back home. We had agreed that he would meet my parents and start planning for our wedding but he changed tune and said we should have a child first. I was left surprised because I thought a child is supposed to be raised in a stable environment of marriage?

My man has gone back to SA angry that I did not like his idea. Lately, he has been sending me pictures of baby clothes he has bought for our baby. BMW, I am being tempted to fall for it as I am getting old and my fecundity is waning.

Should I fall pregnant for him? I ask this question because most of my age mates are married and have children and I do not want to lose my man. But on the other hand, I am a religious woman who really does not believe in having children out of wedlock.

BMW, I need your help. What do I do?

Confused woman,

Ndirande Malabada via WhatsApp.

Hello Confused,

To say that I am confused at your man’s condition for marriage would be a great understatement. I am confounded. It is one of the most preposterous preconditions I have ever heard of getting to marry someone. Along that line, I have heard of some young men telling innocent girls that they will only marry them after they share a bed.

It leaves me even bewildered is that you seem so desperate for this man that you consider yielding to his demands the best of options at your disposal. And then, knowing that you have to be convinced he is really serious that your marriage to him is tied to a baby, he starts sending you baby clothes! That, my dear, is just a decoy to believe this man is really serious about marrying you.

Say he is really sincere that after you have his baby and he marries you, what will be the next reason he will have for keeping you in his house? That is, assuming he will allow you to go with him to South Africa. Call me a doubting Big Man Wamkulu or Thomas, or whatever on earth you may wish to call me, but I can bet the last ounce of my breath this man is a cheat and he does not want to marry you. If anything, if he gets to marry you, you will be his second wife.

Take it from me. This man, I know is already married in South Africa.

I would not even be surprised if he is married to a South African. As we are saying, this man already has children with your would-be co-wife but he feels these children are South Africans. So, he wants you to bear him ‘Malawian’ children.

The days I have seen are many, Dear Confused, many. I have lived long enough that we marry because we are in love. It may be misplaced love but that is the primary drive. We do not marry because we think our fertility is waning out. We do not allow men to ‘give us children’ because we want to be like our friends. Those days are dead and buried. n