My wife can’t warm me on cold nights

Dear Biggie,

My wife stopped exciting me, so we rarely get intimate. We can go for as long as eight months without doing anything.

But Biggie, as you know this is winter season and Blantyre can really get cold at night.

I have been trying to get intimate with my wife because of the cold weather, but she tells me to go to hell.

Should I find a girlfriend to run to on a cold night?

Bossman, Bangwe, via WhatsApp

Dear Bossman,

What you are asking from Biggie is something you have been doing all along for the past eight months. You want me to rubber stamp your actions? No?

Bossman, you can’t fool me, neither can you fool your wise wife. What kind of husband are you to go eight months without smooching your wife and expect a warm welcome on your return?

Yes, women are from Venus, they are ‘aliens’ and have devastating mood swings, but man, they have feelings, too. They feel cold, too.

I have a sneaking feeling that your wife suspects, or knows you have been lighting another woman’s oven. Knowing women, she is not too excited about you bringing bacteria, viruses, fungi, and protists from ‘I don’t know where’ into her marital bed.

There is also the likelihood that when you took a sabbatical from your conjugal duties, she got herself a helper, the houseboy or your night guard, who is strumming her guitar way better than you ever did. So, do not disturb her, leave her alone.

Bossman, you are on your own on this one. I would suggest you continue getting the warmth from the oven you have been braiing your sausage in.  Don’t come to me blaming your wife that you will be freezing to death this winter, because it’s all of your own making.

Let me end by asking mother nature to give Malawi this year, the coldest winter, never seen in years, so that your wandering joy stick and meat balls freeze into a block of ice forever!

Big Man wamkulu

 ***

Should I leave him?

I am 23, a student studying public health in Blantyre. I have a boyfriend who keeps on saying he will marry me.  But Biggie, my boyfriend is selfish and I have never really been that close to him in the bedroom because he is always interested in satisfying himself first.  In fact, he acts like a jerk. When he’s done, that’s it.

Biggie, this man never seems to be concerned about me. I know he loves me, but in the bedroom it seems to always be about him. He’s never asked me about my likes and dislikes.

The worst part is that he never really wants to be seen in public with me. He does not have time for us. Not even during weekends when we are supposed to go out together. He takes no advice from me and he says he is who he is and I can’t change him.

I am hurting inside, what should I do Biggie?

Worried Lady, via WhatsApp

 Dearest WL,

I have tackled this problem more than once. But since you have asked, I will try to respond. It is good to hear that you have tasted the soup to make the right decision. I hope after this response, you will pack your things and run, because I do not see any reason for you to stay in this relationship where only one person wants to drive and the other to be the passenger of the vehicle all the time.

But let’s not rush things here. Life is interesting.

First, it would be easy to blame this situation solely on your boyfriend, but in a relationship, often both parties contribute to problems. It’s not too late to save the relationship, so let’s look at what can be done now.

My dear WL, some men are simply not talkers and won’t ask about how the sex is because they happily or shyly assume all is well unless a dando is made. It doesn’t mean they are mean-spirited or consciously selfish. Additionally, many women don’t speak up because they are worried about hurting their partner’s feelings.

So, instead of lying there like a log waiting for a miracle of satisfaction from a selfish boyfriend, why can’t you rise up to the occasion and take the lead.  Start controlling the bedroom activities today and see how it goes.

Finally, aren’t you too young to be studying how men perform in bed? Where are your public health study notes? Young lady, please do not waste my time!

Big Man Wamkulu