This is a distress call from a man who has been pushed between a rock and a hard, cold place.
Naturally, I am not the kind of man that would write to an arrogant, conceited, egotistical, faceless newspaper columnist to help me solve my marital dilemma. But, as has been said before, a problem shared is a problem half solved. So, since your reputation precedes you, I hope you can help me crack this.
I have been with my wife for 12 years. And just as we are nearing our anniversary, she left me for a man we both work with.
She was my world and I assumed we’d always be together. We had a really good relationship that has only been blemished five years when she had an affair with one of my friends. I took her back and learned to trust her again.
Then in January she did it again. To say I was devastated is an understatement. Since then, we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms.
I must tell you that my wife left her first husband for me and I have practically raised her three daughters, who I love as mine since I have none of my own. Her former husband used to hit her, go out drinking seven nights a week and was very controlling.
I am the opposite. I let her be the person she wanted to be. So it amazes me that the man she is now seeing is a drunkard, aggressive, lives on takeaways and goes to play darts four times a week.
My first intuition was that I am the problem so I took the psychological route, attempting to find out what drives a woman to cheat—from lack of attention to intimacy, revenge, bad sex, the need for financial independence, low self-esteem, feeling under-appreciated, to being bored.
But one thing I can assure you Biggie is that I have given this my best shot. I have been such an ideal husband that sometimes I wake up crying, wondering what I could have done wrong to deserve such treatment.
I spoke to her last week and gave a letter, saying how I felt about her. She cried and said she cheated because she was bored and he makes her laugh and they go places in his car. The thing is, I was bored, too. I suppose we got into a rut.
I still love her so it has been tough emotionally and I nearly lost my job through it. Also, I can’t afford the house on my own. I know I’m crazy to want her back—even my step-daughters think I should move on.
I don’t know what to do. I have been going out, but I just think about her all the time and feel lonely and miserable.
Coleen via email
Coleen my friend
I will not waste your time by patronising you or beating about that bush—the woman is a serial heartbreaker and has no care in the world about how you feel. I’d have been candid with you, man-to-man, but this is a family newspaper and my editor is a very prayerful man, so I’ll spare him the blushes.
But the writing is on the wall. The woman does not love you. And don’t beat yourself too hard, it’s not really your fault that you married a devil. But then again, it is your fault! You are to blame for your predicament.
You married a woman who had left her man and hoped she’d stay with you until heaven comes? What did you expect, really? How did you think the first man felt when she left him for you? Those that said what goes around, comes around didn’t lie.
But that is an aside.
This is not the end of the world. Let the woman go. You will live, and like her husband, you will survive this.
This too, shall come to pass.