Neighbour challenging me to a duel

Dear BMW,

I am a 34-year-old single man who recently moved to Lilongwe from Blantyre due to my demanding and well-paying job. My neighbour in Lilongwe, who I will call Alice is a free-minded woman. She is open about bedroom matters and really does not care much about what comes out of her mouth.

Her dressing sends my blood into boil often as she leaves too much to imagination. She has even made it a habit to walk into my home in short skirts that are too low for my liking.

I am just a village boy, who still believes that a woman should wear her chitenje all the time and that the woman’s thighs and bust should be hidden from man’s sight at all cost.

But Alice says I should open up a little bit. She wants me to change the way I view the world, sexually. She thinks I am an idiot and a male chauvinist who will die in a missionary position.

Alice has now challenged me to a duel and even says she is ready to allow me to spit in. I have been left scratching my head.

Should I accept the challenge? What if she has warts and all?

LLJ, via WhatsApp, Lilongwe

Dear LLJ,

There so many men out there who still believe that a woman who openly proclaims that she likes sex will have it with anyone. Alice is nothing but a good woman, who wants to teach timid men like you a lesson. What’s wrong with that?

It’s also sad to assume that she sleeps around and might be infected. Man, you are single, what should stop women trying their luck on you? Ever heard of the word ‘women empowerment’? My son, women empowerment has brought about a lot, including women taking the first step or even proposing love.

Wake up man, this is 21st Century. Start to learn that women are as able and likely as men to separate their emotions from their bodies and have fun, too. Why do you want women who are empowered to be looked down upon by men as well as fellow women for being open?

Let me school you and your likes. There are a lot of people who believe that women who are open about their sexuality sleep around with different men and are probably into some very weird fetishes.

While there is nothing wrong with engaging in kinks and fetishes (as long as it is consensual), being sexually aware and having fun doesn’t necessarily mean the woman is laced and has all sorts of venereal diseases. Hell no. Women too make choices and protect themselves.

So, I repeat, don’t assume she is a whore and unhappy and needs Biggie to pray for her. She is fine, bro. Do not feel sorry for her.

A woman can chose to sleep around simply because she wants to, not because she doesn’t value herself. It doesn’t mean she is unhappy with her life. She is just satisfying her desires.

A lot of women these days sample men but that does not mean they plan on doing it for the rest of their lives. My guess is that all that she wants is to meet the right man and settle down.

So, should you accept the challenge or not? That is the question.

BMW thinks you are not up to the challenge, so the best you can do is pass me her digits so that I can represent you. You seem not interested in open-minded women, so let me deal with her.  As they say ‘a faint heart cannot win a fair lady’! My bro, you are too fragile.

But my point is don’t judge her; she wants to enjoy her youth before settling down.

Inu ndi a bonya, badyani bonyayo!

BMW