Arise. The ongoing African Cup of Nations is a warning to the entertainment sector: Here is that time again when football eclipses the arts.
While top entertainers snore, even fun-seekers who cannot distinguish a ball from a balloon are spending nights out and sleeping around in the name of the beautiful game.
The continents foremost soccer contest is so magnetic that when Zambia defeated Ghana last year, some overjoyed women in Lusaka celebrated the feat by offering their bodies free of charge to every Jim and Jack.
As of Wednesday, some soccer lovers were worried that Zambia had not yet registered a win in this year’s edition. For all their ‘sexcapades’, our soccer-mad neighbours could only afford a 1-1 draw with a 10-man Ethiopia, famed for long distance runners and blinding beauties who brighten Ethiopian Airways flights.
With Malawi missing at the tournament, tavern news has it that some Malawians are camping in the border districts of Mchinji, Mzimba and Chitipa just in case some Zambian lasses will need an imported treat when their team finally recaptures its winning ways. Reports are rife of witch doctors who are servicing men hardware to save them from beatings the size a slow soul got for protracting his stand when Lusaka was queuing for free sex.
It can get that bad. The episodes prior to Zambia’s first Afcon championship were revelatory. Just like the lies we tell in the name of the game, how some Malawians of Zambian libido celebrate soccer victories could be risky in times of HIV and Aids.
That is why I cannot wait for the return of live performances. If I were in Lilongwe tomorrow night, I would not hesitate to join the Black Missionaries at Limpopo (Formerly Fresh Air) or Soul Raiders at Tito’s (Twigga Lounge).
Besides, MultiChoice Africa has announced the commencement of auditions for next M-Net Big Brother representatives. May they recruit a real deal, for no country can win with humourless smokers, alcoholics, kiss-holics, kitchen workaholics, strippers, sealed mouths and ice-cold bores only good for the obscurity they get after exiting the reality show.
Let the vibe return!