Should I get back with my ex-girlfriend

Dear BMW,

Biggie, I am a 27-year-old man counting a third year of a breakup with my girlfriend of five years. You heard me right: five years!! I am a charmer, so you know I had a fair share of the the apple in the garden of Eden within that period.

 I was her first, but I wish she could say the same about me. During the five years we were together, things happened: side chicks, side brothers, constant fights—to the extent of literally getting physical—which was not so healthy for a relationship to the point that she decided to move on with her life, and so we parted ways.

Biggie, within the three years of the breakup, my girlfriend turned to God and became a Born Again Christian to the extent that she was speaking in tongues, but on my end well, I kept my old ways: no serious relationship in sight but you can bet, being the hunk that I am, knickers were dropping.

However, this girlfriend kept in contact with my mom though, and I don’t know how in the world she managed to be on my mother’s good side. But she is. We rarely talked apart from two to three texts that would end abruptly.

But for past months ex-bae, is all over me, hitting my inbox sexting, talking about how she is missing yours truly and how good and amazing I was when it comes to err….do I even need to mention it?

I am  confused Biggie, because this person, is so Born Again, what has come over her all of sudden to be talking sex with the me, a person that she branded a demon.  While she has not come in the open yet, Biggie I think she wants me back!

Could I be getting the wrong signals?

Mphoka-Mphoka, via WhatsApp, Nkhata Bay

Dearest Mphoka,

Sorry to disappoint you, but you are just a fall back guy: one of her many helpers, one of the many men in her life. You are good in bed and that’s all she wants from you; good sex.

I can bet with my last coin that there is another man in her life with a fat wallet, another with a nice car and another with good hands and ears, who listens to her nonsense all night long.

My son, open your eyes, women these days are clever. No matter how good you are in bed, she will always have another man in her life. It’s common and it will always be.

In fact, when she walked out on you, you thought she was single, hell no, she went straight to her ‘fat-wallet’ boyfriend.

Did I hear you say she is a now a Born Again Christian? Do you know why? My son, look at her pastor and tell me the car he drives. It is either the latest state-of-the-art Lexus or a Merc? He is her ‘nice car man’.

Then there is that guy your curvaceous ex-girlfriend visits with you once or twice a month. He has a bad handwriting and surprisingly he is eloquent. He can pronounce words like ‘prognosis’ without flinching because he is smart. That’s her gynaecologist, you call him a doctor.

I wish you had gone through her phone, she has his number saved ‘My Gyna’. He is a bad man. He wears smart suits, a white coat, glasses and has a sly smile. He is cheeky and confidently tells people, “I am going to see your girlfriend now” and expect you to sit outside and patiently wait as your girl gets undressed for him. He is the ‘good ear and handy man”. He listens and touches her right buttons.

I know you will feel sick in the stomach that while you thought you were playing her, she too was playing you right under your nose.  As an old idiom goes; birds of a feather flock together, so I am not surprised that you two are not over each other yet.

If I were you, I would delete all her sex texts and forget about her once and for all.  Elders say once bitten, twice shy!

Big Man Wamkulu.