Should I marry two women?

Dear BMW,

I am a 28-year-old single man. Lately, I have been thinking of getting married. However, my views about marriage are rather skewed towards a man having more than one wife.

You see Biggy, women are wonderful creatures and a man should have as many as he can handle; as long as he can be fully responsible for all of them.

I also think polygamous men are the happiest and tend to live longer, a one–woman man is a slave of his own choice. If anything, when it comes to choosing leaders with the focus being on family, on July 2, I will elect a polygamous man, because a man who can manage more than one woman is definitely worth his nuts.

BMW, my friends tell me that when you have only one wife, the monopoly overwhelms her and that is detrimental. They say, when she knows she has no competition, she will be careless in the kitchen and serve me cold food and what even a dog would think twice before eating!

My buddies also warned me that she would sulk like a baby, batter sex for attention and think she is entitled. So, for years, I have pitied the suffering of monogamous men who go for months without sex because their wives are sulking at home. God help the poor souls!

Should I go ahead and marry two wives?

Mandingo, via WhatsApp, Bangwe

Dearest Mandingo,

You have a rather funny name. Why would someone go by the name Mandingo? Hey, that looks like too black for me. Like, two black nights. Why not purple like hybiscus or orange like an orange? Mandingo? Like two dark nights on the way to hell!

But that is neither here nor there. We don’t choose who gives us a name! If I were you, I would not have choosen to be called Mandingo in public. Mango would do.

I digress, rather.

You see, dreams are just that. You envy polygamous men, in your dreams. That is okay with me. But, how many polygamous men do you really know that are happy?

For me, it is not as easy as it appears. There is a big difference between being polygamous and being promiscuous. Of the people trying to contest in the July 2 poll, who is polygamous? For that matter, who is promiscuous? I am only asking because I am confused, and wanted us to have a working definition of polygamy.

Talking about having more than one wife, several religious figures have been in and out of polygamy. Most of them didn’t really know they were locking themselves in a polygyny (don’t confuse with polygeny) that would affect many nations after they are carried to the grave. I will not mention names, for fear of being misunderstood. Spare your future generations to question who was their real mother or why their mother had a legal competitor.

In some Malawian cultures, you end up being in a polygamous situation long before you know it. Among the Sena, they have it as nthena. Among the Chewa, they will tell you about nyeke. In both situations, if you are a good performer as a husband in bed, financially or otherwise, you can have the privilege of having your wife’s sister as a wife, too. Call it polygamy by association and performance.

I don’t really mind about cultures. I don’t really care about sociology and anthropology. But I care about being Umunthu. What nail is getting into your brain that polygamy is better?

I would not have a problem if you asked if you can have two better halves. But, for me, asking for two wives is asking too much. Madness is coming your way. Having two whole wives is no mean feat because there is so much on your head. At 28, you should be thinking about how you can successfully survive in this brutal world ruled by money, not how you can end up a miserable life with two wives you can’t divorce!

One divorce is hard. You will need it at some point in life. Imagine two!

Stay home. Stay safe.

Zinazi umanona waziyamba. Siphada uyu!

Big Man Wamkulu

NOTE: You can now send your problems to BMW via WhatsApp number: +265 998-110-975. No calls please!