Should I take him back

Dear BMW,

Well, my child’s runaway father just made a surprise appearance into my life the other day, all smiles ready to assume his responsibilities 10 years later! The idiot bolted and ran the minute he found out I was pregnant.

We had only known each other for a short time. I was young and naive, so when he told me he will not go all the way, I trusted him. We were just petting and not in a serious relationship but that is not an excuse to abandon your baby.

At first, he claimed the pregnancy couldn’t be his because “we had only had unprotected sex two times and he had not spitted in (as you called it last week) on one of those occasions”.

But after realising that claiming the pregnancy wasn’t his wasn’t going to hold water, since I was a virgin when he ‘knew me’, he gave the maddening excuse which most low life men give when they knock up a woman unexpectedly; “I am not ready to be a father”. And with that, he rode off into the sunset never to be seen again until a few days ago.

When I saw his pimple-littered face and his brown teeth again at my door step, I was livid Biggy! I would have hit his face with a broom, but there he was on his bended knee, crying wolf and begging for forgiveness. He wants me in his life,  to provide a roof over his dirty hair and feed his stomach.  He says he has no home and wants to be my husband and raise his ‘child’.

BMW, I am speechless. Simayesero wawa? But since I do not have a man in my life should I take him back? Is he ready to be a parent?

Abandoned, via WhatsApp, Kasungu

Dearest Abandoned,

I don’t think you are anywhere near abandonment. You are just in self denial. You call the father of your child a pimple-littered face? You call the man who broke your virginity a brown teeth?

Well, if you were to hit him with a broom you should have done so there and then. I have better issues to look into than you wondering whether you should take into your home someone who fits to be called a tramp.

Mind you, I am no masochist, but when I see a spade, it is not a big spoon no matter what miscroscopes I use. You seem too desperate for a man!. Please stop this nonsense of entertaining idiots.

But since it looks like you still want him (to give you a second child), before you take him to your bed, please call pest control services, so that they can fumigate him to rid him of all sorts of ticks, lice and other parasites from his body. Please also do your geological survey research. You will be shocked. This man has sired babies not far away from your home? I can bet with my last coin, that he will come with a litany that is his one in a million.

That he came back to you, do you think that is love? Do you think you matter in his life? That you are one in a million and his rose flower? You better watch out! Malawi population is 17 million. Essentially, if you are one in a million, that means there are 17 of you in a million. My fear is, all those 17 may have been in his bed and all have his children.

That said, I think you have yourself to blame, as it appears you really knew whatever you were doing. The long and short of it, I have never known what ‘low life’ and ‘high life’ men know about siring children of the bush. Sorry.

But if you knew that low life men always give the ‘I am not ready to be a father’ reason, why did you open your legs wide for him?

Next time you meet a low life man and he says I will not go all the way, demand he uses protection.

Kukonda zinthu basi.

Big Man Wamkulu