It is that season again when our delegation pauses to interrogate ourselves and lay bare what we, Malawians and world citizens, have achieved in the past 12 months. These annual state of our estate reports are an obligation because, just eight days before he left to represent us in the world yonder, Moya Edward Chitsulo joked, nay warned, that if we did not update him regularly on principal events here, he would return and hold us by the necks till we choked.
Moya, in the past 12 months nothing really has changed. The war on terror continues. America and its so-called allies are fighting jihadists, Islamic State militants and Boko Haram girl-abductors, who fight with arms made, not by the jihadists but by America and its so-called allies. The official war in Syria and Iraq is perhaps drawing to an end because Russia came in on behalf of the Syrian government. Our assessment, Moya, is that Syria and Iraq have become the tasting and testing ground for mostly American, British, French, Chinese, Iranian, and Russian weapons. Our forecast, Moya, is that the unofficial war against terror will not end until the sponsors and funders of the belligerence stop their silent arms race.
Moya, we report that in America, Barak Hussein Obama retired as US president and has been replaced by Donald John Trump, a billionaire tax-evading businessman and self-confessed woman-fondling twitter-maniac. He believes in American superiority and has vowed to rid it of all potential terrorists from Iran, Iraq, Libya, Sudan, Syria and Yemen. Interestingly, Saudi Arabia, home of the masterminds of the September 11, 2001 Trade Centre attacks; Nigeria, home of Boko Haram, and Somalia, home of Al Shabab, are not on his official but yet-to-legalised banned list.
Interestingly, Comrade Gabriel Mugabe, whose Zimbabwe for Zimbabweans mantra was condemned worldwide, has endorsed Donald Trump, who won the presidency on his America First philosophy.
Moya, back home in Africa, we duly report that Hosini Mubarak, Army Captain emeritus who led the battle for the recapture of the Sinai, is out of jail. The courts, the very courts using the very laws that found him guilty of directing the military or police to kill innocent protesters in 2011, have now found him innocent. Moya, justice, particularly African justice, is what the president-cum-chief arresting officer wants at a particular time.
Moya, the Egyptian scenario is also playing out here in the Federal Republic of Malawi, your hither home. Someone in the Ministry of Agriculture faked statistics that approximately seven million Malawians would die of starvation if their federal government did not urgently buy maize to sell or freely distribute.
Moya, a minority political leader in Marambo as Zambia was known in times past spilled the maize when he revealed that actually the governments of Zambia and Malawi colluded to defraud the peoples of the two countries.
Moya, what followed was an avalanche of media stories that pointed to massive financial fraud. Petit Kahuna, Moya Peter Atha Mutharika, Malawi’s chief arresting officer, was forced to constitute a commission of inquiry. Parliament also conducted a parallel inquiry. While the two commissions were busy investigating, interviewing people and knitting the narratives together, Petit Kahuna and some compromised journalists were up and about rubbishing the investigations as a waste of time and resources.
That, Moya, was the denigrating language Moya Chapondapati, then minister of Agriculture, used to describe the parliamentary committee investigating what has now entered Malawian lingo as maizegate.
Hear this Moya: Both inquiries found Moya Chapondapati with a case to answer and recommended further investigations by the ACB and Police, both of which are covertly commanded by the Petit Kahuna himself.
Moya, the MCP and PP went to town dressing down Petit Kahuna’s government and asking for the dismissal of Moya Chapondapati. Petit Kahuna was unconvinced. Then Chapondapati’s office and that of his permanent secretary burned in broad daylight. Suspicions flew all over this honeyless and milkless land. Still Petit Kahuna was unmoved. Then the ACB found in Chapondapati’s residence a cash cache in foreign denominations and Malawi’s valueless currency.
Moya, only then did Petit Kahuna act. However, instead of sending Moya Chapondapati to jail, Uladi Wogwirizira Mpando Mussa was arrested for possible passport corruption during your sister’s short presidency. Then MCP president Lazaro Chakwera’s body guards were searched for illegal arms. Meanwhile, el Bakri’s fraud case has been decriminalised. Moya, isn’t African justice great?
We sadly report that your dear son and namesake, Edward Chitsulo II, also joined your world after a short illness some four earthly months ago. Baby Lloyd is now trying to fill the gap you left. He calls himself Raw Stuffer, Jr. Such is the state of our estate two years on. n